Subconscious Commitment Tests

Last night I had a dream about a boy I fell in love with about 18 years ago. In fact, I met him and fell in “like” with him at a Valentine’s Dance in 1986, so that’s 19 years ago—jeeze! He was part of this pack of boys that my friends and I “ran with"—East End girls and West End boys. He told me he’d met me before but I didn’t remember (and I would have, cuz MAN, the boy had big brown eyes and pretty lips), and then we danced a few times. At the end of the night he brought me conversation hearts. He handed me one that said “Call Me” and I looked up at him and said, “But I can’t…here [I wrote down my number]…you call me.” We were henceforth known as the Telephone Twins because we were too young to drive and lived about 20 miles apart. He did wonderful things for me like make cards and paper flowers and did yard work to buy me presents. When he moved away to Tempe, he gave me fabulous bike tours of the town and even kissed me on the Mill Avenue footbridge while the Highway 60 traffic below honked and egged him on (don’t worry--we were going on 17 by then).

Anyway, that’s what was weird about the dream—it all happened like 18 years ago, but I remembered so many little details. We were hanging out in the same neighborhood in the west Tucson foothills with the same friends, but we were all in our 30s. He was divorced and had a couple of kids, including this baby girl I found myself holding. So we’re hanging out like we used to except we’re old now and so are all our friends and we’re all just talking, and through the conversation I find out that we are engaged. People are saying things like, “I always thought you two should be together,” and congratulating us and this is all news to me but I am playing along. It’s so fun to see everyone again—the “B” twin brothers have bellies now, but they are still fun and they’re hilarious and nice and they get along better. All the boys tell skating stories and there are only a couple of other girls there—wives, I guess—and my cute red-haired best friend from High School who also did some time with these boys. It’s a blast. I am so happy to see everyone again. Then someone hands me my fiancé’s baby and I am suddenly reminded—hey, I have a baby girl like this. That realization triggers several others, like, oh and I have a beautiful new home and another kid and a fabulous husband and yeah, I used to love you and you’re all great, but I REALLY love him and he is the best thing that ever happened to me, so—HELLO—I must be going!

When I woke up, relieved that my husband and babies were there with me, I remembered a conversation I had with my sister a few months ago about this kind of dream.

JILL: “Do you ever have dreams where you’re like single again and out with an old boyfriend or some celebrity you had a crush on, and then you remember that you’re married and stuff and you’re like, ‘Uh, I gotta go! I’m married and I love my husband!’ and you’re just so glad to have your real life?”

ME: “Yeah, I had one the other night and I was on this show like Survivor that’s called American Dream or something like that and it’s like a dating show. They get all these well-suited people together and if two of them can fall in love and get engaged, they get a million bucks, plus the mansion where the show is filmed. Rich and I decide to pretend we’re not married, then get on the show and choose each other and win the prize. But some other guy beats him to it and Rich tells me to just go along with it. But then I can’t because I pass Rich sleeping in his room and I start crying and tell everyone the truth and we get kicked off the show and all we get is a boat.”

JILL: “But aren’t you so relieved in your dream when you’re back in your real life?”

ME: “Always! It’s such a weird feeling, and then I wonder why I have those dreams.”

JILL: “Yeah, I have them, too. I’m always on dates or at the beach or something with some guy and I really like him and stuff, but then I remember Drew and my family and I almost cry—I want them back so bad.”

ME: “Maybe we are subconsciously testing our commitment.”

JILL: “And isn’t it cool that our husbands always win out?”

It is cool, but I wonder why I have the dreams in the first place. And why, oh why is my brain going back 19 years, for the love of Pete? Craziness. Is it just us, or has anyone else had dreams like this? My mind is forever having fantasy conflict resolution in my dreams, too. If there was ever a time when I didn’t have the right words or there was some relationship that needed closure, you can bet I have dreamt about it more than once. And in my dream, I said all the right things and the problems were resolved and everyone went on their merry way, except I was the empathetic, verbally-blessed, insightful hero. Pure fantasy.

What recurring dream-themes do you have?


[PS: I just remembered what I was wearing at that 1986 dance—an outfit I bought at the Limited with donut shop money--a cream-colored ‘mermaid ‘skirt (the kind that are long and fitted with a flare at the bottom) and flowery shirt, buttoned all the way up, of course. I was going for the granny look perfected by Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink]