Life in a Northern Town

WHAT YOU FEED GROWS…

This concept is so beautiful to me. I know it is expressed many times in many ways in the restored gospel, but I like the Buddhist words. If you exchange “DOUBT” for “ANGER” or “SUFFERING” and “TESTIMONY” or “FAITH” for “COMPASSION” or “HAPPINESS,” you can read the story of what I have experienced the past few years:

“In Buddhist psychology, we speak of consciousness in terms of seeds. We have a seed of anger in us. We have a seed of compassion in us. The practice is to help the seed of compassion to grow and the seed of anger to shrink. When you express your anger you think that you are getting anger out of your system, but that's not true. When you express your anger, either verbally or with physical violence, you are feeding the seed of anger, and it becomes stronger in you. It's a dangerous practice….

“Happiness and enlightenment are living things and they can grow. It is possible to feed them every day. If you don't feed your enlightenment, your enlightenment will die. If you don't feed your happiness, your happiness will die. If you don't feed your love, your love will die. If you continue to feed your anger, your hatred, your fear, they will grow….

“Small enlightenments have to succeed each other. And they have to be fed all the time, in order for a great enlightenment to be possible. So a moment of living in mindfulness is already a moment of enlightenment. If you train yourself to live in such a way, happiness and enlightenment will continue to grow.

 “If you know how to maintain enlightenment and happiness, then your sorrow, your fear, your suffering don't have a lot of chance to manifest. If they don't manifest for a long time, then they become weaker and weaker. Then, when someone touches the seed of sorrow or fear or anger in you and those things manifest, you will know to bring back your mindful breathing and your mindful smiling. And then you can embrace your suffering.”- Thich Nhat Hanh

I have taken long stretches of feeding my doubt; I have followed up with feeding my faith. There is a beautiful contrast. I am happy and more peaceful and enlightened when I feed my faith; I feel restless and discontent when I feed my doubt. Some people like that feeling, so I say to each his own—search on, brother. Some people feed their doubt until faith is totally dead and doubt becomes a sure negative—atheism (which requires an arrogance and a worship of five senses I could never muster; agnostics, though, I can dig. There is a humility in saying “I don’t know” and I love that, but I digress...). As for me— I like the peace that comes to me from acting in faith. This is not to say that I have or ever will go back to my “all is well in Zion,” five-fingered testimony because the truth is I don’t have that anymore. But I traded it in for something else and I am better.

[aside: Did you know I think in songs? Well, I do. Here’s a little song that I sing to myself constantly like a mantra or self-soother; I love it…

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

 I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile

- John Henry Newman]

I don’t know much, but I know to my bones that Christ’s atonement is infinite and eternal, and it is so much bigger than His church or this world or my little mind. Every soul matters to Him; every soul has a journey to experience that will lead back to Him eventually. I know He is that Good Shepherd, that He hikes through the rains and the wind and the dark to save The One, and that He loves that one as much as He loves little me who likes hanging out with the fold, and His atonement will reach into the crevices and speak to our broken hearts in ways that we believe impossible. I know He wasn’t kidding when He said we will come to Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits because that’s what life is. Nobody gets out without breaking. And then He puts us back together—over and over again if need be.

[And this is one of my faves about Jesus:

There is hope for every soul that’s lost

There is a way back home

No matter where you roam

Let His love heal you

And lead you there

There’s a place for every heart in pain

A place where there’s no hurt

And there’s no shame

Let His love reach you

And teach you

Every hour

--M. McLean, from The Prodigal Son video]

So if you’re tired of the negative, stop feeding it. Just try. We are children of The Divine and our thoughts and intentions carry energy and power (faith being the most potent, IMHO). I did the experiment and it worked…what we feed really does grow.