Last summer as we were getting ready to move, I was reading the September Ensign and began to read an article by Brad Wilcox about the Atonement. He told of meeting with a BYU student who had questions about the atonement. As I read his response, I remember getting angry and putting the magazine down. His response to his student was exactly the testimony I have now, but it wasn’t what I was taught growing up in the church or in my family. I was angry because I had to work so hard to gain the testimony and understanding I have now, and I hate thinking about how my previous understanding made so many things in life harder.
I first noticed this discrepancy when Elizabeth Smart spoke last Spring (2013) about how she was so paralyzed by fear and self-loathing during her kidnapping because of what she had been taught in Young Women about virtue and worth. It’s the same message I, and many girls my age received. It may not have been the intended message, but it’s what we heard and internalized.
I think the whole issue is best illustrated by an old Young Women’s object lesson. I have heard of many versions of this, but the one I remember was with a rose. A beautiful budding rose is passed around the room. Everyone is encouraged to touch it and smell it and enjoy it. By the time 10 or 15 hands have toughed the rose, it is wilting, browning, and not so beautiful anymore. The teacher holds up a fresh, untouched rose next to the one that has been passed around and asks which one we would prefer. Of course nobody wants the roughed-up rose, which is then likened to a girl who has not been chaste and virtuous. The message received (though perhaps not intended) was you lose your value when you lose your virtue—no matter how, when, why (we didn’t discuss details very often)— you’re not worthy and nobody wants you anymore. Of course the next part of the lesson should be that through the atonement of Christ, we are all made fresh and clean like the desirable rose, and that our value was never lost in the first place, but somehow what really sunk in is the “you’re worthless” part.
A modern version of a similar object lesson uses a crisp twenty dollar bill. Its value is discussed, then it’s passed around, crumpled, stomped on, whatever—the girls can do anything but tear it— and then the teacher holds it up again. Does anybody still want it? Of course. Even though it’s now crumpled and worn? Sure—because no matter what it looks like or what happens to it, it retains its worth. Get it?
The contrast between these two lessons strikes the same chord with me as Elizabeth Smart’s statements and Brother Wilcox’s article. I am grateful that the Spirit has continued to strive with me and help me to understand the gospel better—or more specifically, to understand and feel The Love of God better. But I have been in serious mourning for the girls who never got past that. For all the girls who feel like wilted roses, tossed in a trash can, who feel like their value was inextricably tied to their virtue and are therefore not worth The Savior’s—or anyone’s— time or effort or love anymore. By grace I was led to religion classes and family nights and devotionals, and then on a mission, and then into more classes and relationships and personal study where I was shown that the gospel, and God’s grace, and the Atonement of Christ are much bigger and far-reaching than I was taught or I had perceived. By grace I was protected from making the kind of mistakes that would have made me wilt. But what about the other girls (and boys, too) I grew up with who did wilt and then gave up? How will we undo the lesson and show them the good part, the part where they never lost their worth and that Christ’s arms are stretched out still, no matter what any person in His church has to say? I pray to know and to help fix it in any way I can.
The effect this train of thought had on me was a little different but just as damaging and wrong. If it’s by grace we are saved after all we can do, my mind just skipped the grace part because I had no control over it. I went right to “all I can do” and like any good late-20th century Mormon began working hard to achieve perfection, even as my Father in Heaven is perfect and would have nothing to do with something unclean. As young as 8 years old this idea had taken root and I know this because after my baptism I was overly concerned—no, terrified—of being unclean again. I kept lists of my mistakes in the journal I’d received at my baptism and prayed for forgiveness nightly. I began to get frustrated with my recidivism and my inability to keep track of my weaknesses. I kind of gave up by the end of middle school (which I think is a breaking point for SO MANY youth). Luckily, something gave me hope. I didn’t understand grace and mercy at all yet, but I knew that if I kept doing blanket repentance and taking the sacrament each Sunday, God might give me a chance--as long as I didn’t break any huge commandments. So that’s the way I walked through my teenage years, obeying much more out of fear, out of my people-pleasing mentality, than out of love, faith, or understanding.
Fast-forward 7 years and I was preparing to serve a mission. My testimony had grown, but I still experienced very little grace or mercy in my church or family life. When I went to the temple for my initiatory and endowment ordinances, I was absolutely overcome by the blessings pronounced upon my head. Especially the miraculous blessing of being pronounced clean. In fact, the beautiful woman pronouncing these blessings had to stop and hand me a tissue because I had burst into tears. For some reason, I had never let those words sink in until they were spoken out loud in God’s House. The next morning, I got up early and talked to my grandpa about the previous day. I told him that blessing was my favorite part and that I never wanted to leave the temple because I wanted to feel that way (clean and worthy) all the time. He did his serious face and said, “Honey, you have that opportunity every Sunday. You’ve had it all your life. Every time you take the sacrament worthily, you are pronounced clean. Every single week.” I nodded, because I knew that—but I didn’t know that. I hadn’t accepted it and used it in my life.
Even after all the experiences that have taught me to feel God’s love and forgiveness, I still forget. In Joseph Smith’s words, I somehow pull a pavilion over my head and block it out. I live way below His expectations and my abilities. But I know now, especially through the experiences of parenthood, that our Heavenly Father is loving, merciful, kind and just. I know that he yearns to see just the smallest effort on my part and rejoices when I let Him bless me. I know my Savior feels the same way. I know that He is focused on every step I take in the right direction, cheering me on, forgiving what I used to be or what I did before. This is how I feel as an imperfect mom—I absolutely rejoice in the joys and successes—spiritual successes— of my children, and those moments erase the “less-than” moments. I imagine our perfect Father feels the same way, times a million. That brings me hope and peace every time I think of it.
So I’ve had to remove all these crazy ways of thinking that had grown into my muscle memory about what is right and good and worthy, and about whether it’s my business to judge myself—or anyone else—so harshly (all justice, no mercy; all works, no faith; lots of appearance, very little heart). One of the most revolutionary thoughts that has stuck with me is this from Hugh Nibley: “Who is righteous? Anyone who is repenting. The man at the top of the stairs looking down is much worse off that the man on the bottom step who is facing up. The direction we are facing—that makes all the difference.” And we really can’t know who is repenting except for ourselves. We can’t see inside the hearts of others—only God can—so we don’t have to worry about that. We just have to worry about what’s going on in our own hearts and be sure they are facing up. When the Savior was here, he made our responsibilities clear: love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Love. That’s the sum of what he expects of me. After the insane list of Good Mormon Woman To-Do’s I’ve been carrying around all my life, this sounds SO MUCH BETTER! I tore up that stupid checklist and made a new one. Every day I need to make time to love God and feel His love. I need to show my love to my neighbors—including (especially) the ones I live with—and feel their love. And I need to show myself some love, too. Check, check, check. Somehow everything works better doing it Jesus’ way.
Part of loving myself is being aware of my weaknesses but not hating them—just inviting God to help me with them. I recently heard a devotional by Elder Causse that put perfect words to what the Spirit has been teaching me lately about weaknesses and strengths. I know that through both our weaknesses and our strengths, the hand of God is made manifest. We can bless others with our strengths, and God can bless us and show us his power though our weaknesses. If we were good at everything, we might be tempted to give ourselves credit for being awesome, but luckily God loves us enough to keep us humble and make up for what we lack if we let him. And that smallness we feel in our weakness is meekness. Meekness is really looked down on in our culture, but I have found that it’s something that makes us more like Jesus. He wasn’t kidding about the broken heart and contrite spirit. If we are going to be like him, sure--we will be strong, but we will also be meek. We will weep, our hearts will ache and groan within us. Because even if we achieve relative peace and joy in our own lives, we are still connected to a world of brothers and sisters, many of whom—no— most of whom are hurting in some way. So we take our full cups to them and pour some of God’s love out to share. And then He gives us free refills and we work together to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.
Brad Wilcox
“Christ asks us to show faith in Him, repent, make and keep covenants, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. By complying, we are not paying the demands of justice—not even the smallest part. Instead, we are showing appreciation for what Jesus Christ did by using it to live a life like His…He can forgive what justice never could…”
“The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can live after we die but that we can live more abundantly. The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can be cleansed and consoled but that we can be transformed. Scriptures make it clear that no unclean thing can dwell with God, but no unchanged thing will even want to. The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can go home but that—miraculously—we can feel at home there.”
“[Grace] is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that moves us through the tunnel.”
“Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, you will feel the enabling power and divine help we call His amazing grace.”
Gerald Causee
“What is so beautiful and powerful in having a missionary force essentially composed of young men and young women without much experience? The scriptures are filled with stories of young and modest people who, having great faith and being magnified by the power of God, accomplished exceptional things…These great young people had pure and humble hearts. Yet the Lord made them powerful in words and deeds to accomplish His designs.
I) With a humble and honest heart, seek to identify, develop, and apply for good those gifts that the Lord has given you.
II) In order to become strong in the Lord, we need to recognize our personal limitations….One reason we may not want to acknowledge our personal limitations is that weakness is perceived by society as a fault or a failure. The world values the cult of the invincible…God is not the God of superheroes, nor of people without weaknesses. Such beings do not exist! God helps people like you and me, those who recognize their limits and the weakness of their condition and seek His help and guidance. Failing to recognize our limitations will block our progression. On the other hand, accepting them humbly lays the foundation for eternal progression.
III) Recognizing our personal limitations does not mean that we should put ourselves down and wallow in our weaknesses. Accepting our limitations is not an excuse to limit ourselves. On the contrary, as disciples of Jesus Christ we aspire to that which is better and more elevated. The goal of our existence is to be raised to a level of perfection that will allow us to return to live in the presence of our Heavenly Father. We firmly believe that each son and each daughter of God possesses in himself or herself the potential to inherit all that God has and to become such as He is… The Lord often places His servants in situations with seemingly insurmountable obstacles. In this manner He pushes us to humble ourselves and to rely solely on His strength. He makes us instruments of His miracles and the manifestations of His power and compassion. That is perhaps the reason why missionary work is performed by missionaries who are, for the most part, young and inexperienced. It is also, perhaps, the reason why so many members receive callings and responsibilities that often appear to them to be beyond their strength and abilities.
“I firmly believe that there is much more joy and satisfaction in saying, 'It is the Lord who did it through me,' rather than in saying, ‘I did it all by myself.’
IV) The power that allows us to raise ourselves above our mortal condition and our human abilities is called the grace of the Savior…'And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.'
"I testify that this power of grace is of divine origin and is real and tangible… When the Spirit accompanies us, we become aware of a powerful transformation taking place within us as our weaknesses are transformed into strengths and our natural abilities are magnified and enhanced beyond even what we believe is possible.”
***
PS: A Recent Addition to my favorite scripture insights:
Put Down The Stone by Glennon
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