Smooshing My Mama Heart

The past few weeks have been full of monumental parenting moments for me and my heart is being super stretched out. I feel hyper-aware of the speed of the passing of time and the poignancy of each of these moments. A lot of that has to do with thinking about Erin (my late bff), or more about her daughters, and the many firsts that are happening for them as well, but she is not here with them. I feel this mix of extreme emotions at times and I just wanted to record some of them.


Last night after taking some prom photos and watching the girls scurry to the car to begin the festivities, I remarked to another mom, "I can't believe we are already doing this! I'm having a serious Sunrise, Sunset moment here." And then I did the lamest, most sentimental thing and burst into tears as I thought about all the things Erin's girls are doing without their mom trailing behind them with a camera. They are doing really cool things. They are really super brave. I feel so honored to be part of their lives and so blessed to have had their mom in my life--for her totally crazy fun friendship, for her powerful spiritual strength, and for her example of mothering. I am grateful that part of her is with us all the time, propelling me forward, reminding me to savor the honor of parenting and to love her children as she does.

Last week I was listening to the soundtrack to "13 Reasons Why" (I highly recommend the soundtrack, but have reservations about the series) and the very moving cover of Yaz's "Only You." Hearing it reminded me of my favorite Mother's Day ad from way back in 2007, which used a folky cover of the song. The application of the song to mother love has never left me. So as I listened to the song, and thought about standing in for (with) Erin at the temple with her daughter next weekend, I kind of fell to pieces. I am so grateful for every moment--hard or easy or sad or beautiful--with my girls and the immense privilege to be home with them and care for them. I wish there was some way to take away the pain of these moments, especially this upcoming Mother's Day, for Erin's children. We each only have one mom--irreplaceable, precious mom, and though the world keeps turning, I know the loss never, ever goes away. I guess I just want them to know that I am aware and they are never alone. And I want to remind myself that this work to which I have given my life for the past 16 years is worth every single heartache and pain, and that I am the one and only mom--imperfect, fumbling--to five amazing people. That is big. And really, really good.

Watch the Mothers Day ad HERE.

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