Girl Songs

Last week while I was driving in my minivan ALONE (so rare) to Enrichment meeting, I decided to play an old tape (aside: the van was given to us by my inlaws when they bought our beloved black Subaru Outback wagon from us in December; they've had the van paid off for years and, although it is still in great condition, it has 220K miles on it and has no CD player--hence the digging up of old audio cassettes).

The tape I put in had "Eat Your Eighties" from Tucson's KFMA station (an all-request lunch hour show hosted by Chuck Roast) circa 1996 on one side, and Sarah McLachlan's Surfacing on the other side. Now, I own about 5 Sarah CDs but I haven't listened to them in YEARS. So the KFMA side flips over to Sarah and I am so struck by the SADNESS of the music. I can remember every word--I even performed some of these songs--but I can't believe how melancholy they sound! And this is the music I listened to, everyday , for YEARS. Girl Songs. Anthems of Young Single Women. Although I still find them lovely, they don't stir my soul like they used to. I mean, I was FEELING Sarah on this album when it came out--oh, the drama, the soul-searching, the lovesickness, the passion. Married life has said good bye to all that, surprisingly.

But I was reminded of one cool thing while listening to that album that I thought I should share. We were listening to it in my apartment on Ft. Lowell in Tucson back in 1999--we, meaning me and my roommate, Laura, who had recently gone from crazy sorority girl to less-crazy Mormon girl by being baptized. When "Sweet Surrender" came on, she said, "This song perfectly describes my conversion." I was like, "HUH?" cuz that's not quite what I got out of it. But then she said, "No, really--listen to it that way..." So I did and now that song is a beautiful religious thing for me. Here are the lyrics:

it doesn't mean much--it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me is a cold room
I've crossed the last line from where I can't return
back where every step I took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
and sweet surrender is all that I have to give

you [meaning jesus/the spirit/whatever] take me in--no questions asked
you strip away the uglinessthat surrounds me
are you an angel? am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here on my knees
and sweet surrender is all that I have to give

I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
oh I miss everything about you

it doesn't mean much--it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me is a cold room
and sweet surrender is all that I have to give.