With Helmet in Place, With Sword in Hand, With the Shield of Faith We are Worthy to Stand...

I am still fighting off the melancholy that has been chasing me something fierce for the past month. I am beginning to think that what I believe is Seasonal Affective Disorder is really a six-month mood cycle with peaks in spring and fall because mid winter and summer are just perennially bleak for me, no matter how much sunshine you pour over it!

One touchy subject for me at all times now is my Grandparents. You remember the heart-wrenching moments I posted about back in early spring? Well, they are still happening, too many to count, as my grandfather struggles through one ailment after another, his poor body slowly wearing down after such a Wonderful Life. He and Grandma are brave little soldiers (sorry--I just watched Shirley Temple's A Little Princess with the girls), but weary...the (nearly) unbearable heaviness of the situation is evident and undeniable, no matter how cheerful and brave they try to be. Any moment of the day I can be asked about them and my brain has to do a quick maneuver to dam up my emotions and live in The Now and not let the heartaches Out There seep into daily life In Here. And I am in nearly the same spot with my sister who is struggling with addiction and my mother (with whom she is now living), both of whom are physically and emotionally ill. It exhausts me to even think of all they have to work through and what they have to endure each day.

HOWEVER, as has always been the case in my life, this melancholy has an overall effect of spurring me forward and strengthening my resolve. My resolutions include living life from moment to moment so that when it is I who am laid low, I am surrounded with care and love and prayers and peace like grandpa.

I also told Erin (Thank heaven for my right-thinking, straight-talking bff!) as we were hanging out last week that the lessons of the past 3 or 4 years (watching sin and dishonesty shred my loved ones) have caused this vision in my mind over and over again of me standing with my full strength pushing against the front door of my home, shouting, "Not in my house!" For me it has embodied the true war we wage to raise a family in the gospel (and anyone who doesn't think it's a war is dellusional). I think of the armor of God analogy, of us dressing for each day with a helmet, breastplate, shield, sword, and with our preparation shoes on. As they say on SNL's Scared Straight skit, THIS IS FOR REAL, Y'ALL. There is no way I am exposing myself or my family to the world without this armor, everyday. It's the Seven Simple Things. I think of morning scripture and prayer and hugs and part of that armor. I think of Five-Minute Lay-By's at night when we talk to the kids and we repent to each other, making amends for hurt feelings. Family Night every week , no matter what.

Remember early in the War or Terror when the country was rallied (and then it became a really funny joke) by saying, "When we do [x--whatever], the terrorist win!" ? Well, I have been rallying myself by saying, "When you miss prayers, Satan wins." You can replace miss prayers with any other regular devotional activity-- Temple worship, sacrament meeting, service opportunities--and you can also say the reverse: "When you raise your voice, Satan wins." At the same time, though, I refuse to let even the attitude of war and hate to seep in, knowing that if we are not obeying and serving out of pure love, everything else we do is for naught. THE GOOD NEWS, however, is that nightly repentance takes away all Satan's tiny victories, wiped away by Greatest Victory, "the victory Jesus won." We know how it all pans out, right? We want to be on the victorious side when all is said and done, hopefully with our families in tact.

So rather than curling up crying when I realize how horrible things are Out There (or sometimes after a quick cry), my knee jerk reaction has become, "Not in my house! Not on my watch!" I am not saying that there won't be heartache and poor choices in my nuclear family, for there surely will be--this is life and experience is how we learn to pass the test. But I am certainly not going to be guilty of giving myself excuses or defending my own poor choices or justifying bad feelings toward another person--ANY other person-- when Christ has shown us the way and promised to eradicate these spiritual cancers. There is a simple recipe (I said simple, as in not complex; easy to understand, not necessarily easy to DO, but definitely do-able with sincere effort) for a happy and safe home and it's guaranteed. When I or Richard fall short of following the recipe, then we are certainly at least partially responsible for the poor choices and bad feelings that result in our family. We cannot heal or progress as good parents and a godly couple if we do not accept this accountability. On the flip side, if we DO follow the recipe, even in the face of great heartache we can enjoy the peace of knowing we've done our best. I can't do everything right everyday, but I can repent and ask that my day and my doings be made perfect in Christ. I can live like I know it is by grace we are saved after all we can do (remembering the "ALL" part!). I know deep in my heart that I am going to need this peace--I have been warned and forewarned--and I want to be able to say to my children with confidence, You have been instructed sufficiently to choose; We haven't asked you to do anything we have not done ourselves--it can be done and joy can be had; and most importantly: You know where to look for a remission of your sins when you are ready to let them go.

OKAY. This has gotten way too rambling--it is mostly for myself and my kids. I wanted to put the inner-rallying cry into words. And I just wanted you to know that those painful things are lingering, but at the same time, I can feel Heavenly Father teaching me and making me stronger and helping me make resolutions draw boundaries so I and my family can still feel peace and safety and joy. I believe that learning from the trials of others is a great gift. I give thanks for it; I pray for those who are suffering, that we may learn and move on as swiftly as possible. Of course there is always "Thy will be done"-- always, even with white knuckles, right? ;) I am so thankful for my husband and his patience, for his efforts to avoid even the semblance of evil, for his efforts to be the best husband and father he can be, for being my partner in this battle and always having on his armor. All is well with us and we do not take that for granted. Thank you for thinking of us and praying for us.

***

PS: I have yet to blog about my visit with Erin last week, but this email to Cousin Brent sums it up pretty well--

I just got home from a little vacay to Utah wherein I did nothing but hang out with Erin Casper and:

eat good food

watch good movies

have fabulous/hilarious/edifying convos

sleep deeply

IT WAS GREAT! (she was visiting Utah from endodontics residency in Mississippi)...

As we prayed together before I left, my heart swelled with the reminder that I have been so blessed and lucky! Every need I could ever have has been filled through the relationships with which I have been blessed. And I think no two friends ever needed one another like Erin and I did. It goes a little something like this:

"For worthy friends whose lives proclaim

Devotion to the Savior's name

And bless our days with peace and love

We praise Thy goodness, Lord above!"