[This post was originally written on October 13, 2010 at 2:43 pm; I am publishing after nearly a year of pondering & prayer.]
I have been contemplating the topic of my personal feelings about homosexuality and my church's doctrines vs. my church's culture about homosexuality for a long time. There are many areas--most, really--in my religion where my testimony and understanding of principles have come almost automatically. I have been able to learn, study, pray, test, and know for myself that certain principles are true, that they will bring me joy, that they will protect and prepare me for life in this world, that they will give me a sense of confidence and self-worth and purpose, and bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. I have a testimony of the doctrines my church teaches about homosexuality and marriage. Sometimes they are hard, but I know they are true. What I have not been able to square my heart and soul with is the way many of my fellow saints and fellow Christians treat our homosexual brothers and sisters. Not only does it "not fit" for me, it breaks my heart. I cry A LOT about the things I hear and see in the world on this subject. I know that it’s not right.
First of all, I have posted often about "threads" in my life, how God teaches me by having a certain tpoic come up repeatedly in a short amount of time from a variety of sources. For a while last spring, I was learning/ thinking/ discussing a lot about civil vs. eternal marriage or civil unions vs. sacramental unions, etc. This topic always leads to issues of gay marriage, and I had a change of heart in that department. I have to first admit that I do not think marriage is a good idea except in the context of my religion--meaning that if I weren't LDS there is no way I would have ever gotten married. I just don't see the point, I don't think my lifestyle is the business of the state, and I just don't understand the desire in this day and age. That said, if the state is going to MAKE lifestyle its business, then state sanctioned "marriage" ("civil marriages") should be equally available to all citizens. Soooo--this blog post, this personal manifesto (of sorts) is two fold--my political/legal view and my spiritual view.
First, I want my political opinions to be sound and integral. I don’t like double standards or inconsistencies anywhere in my life. For some reason, it is assumed if you identify as conservative that you’re intolerant and that you fall in line with the “Christian” right wing social agenda. I do not. I find that whole philosophy incongruous and (accidentally) hypocritical, but I DO consider myself conservative with libertarian leanings. Because of this, I feel the government has no business in our personal lives. I understand that there are many nuanced and intelligent arguments on both sides of these social issues and I honestly respect them. I understand that many government policies and political issues conflict with my religion, but as long as they don’t infringe on my right to practice my religion and they are constitutional, I can support them. Soooo…since I don’t want the government telling me how much money I should make or how I should spend it , or what to feed or teach my kids, or who I should marry (insert libertarian-leaning rant about our unscrupulous, immoral, irresponsible, spiritually dead government here), I certainly don’t think they should be telling anyone else. This is why I—from a purely legal perspective-support limited and informed legalized abortion and this is why I support gay marriage. I may personally object to these things; I may try to dissuade my loved ones from these things, but should my religious beliefs or personal opinions form public policy? No. Is the gospel still true and am I still free to live it? Yes. Everybody wins. We get to love one another and leave the judging to God. That’s a division of labor I can live with. And if you disagree with me, I still love you.
As far as the church goes, I have been wrestling with things in my heart and mind, and then one day light and peace came to my mind—the things I was wrestling with were not doctrinal, they were (are) cultural. What came into my mind was “The culture is teaching the hurtful things; The gospel is (and was, and always has been) LOVE.” Regardless of church policies, God’s own pronouncements, legal issues, cultural hurdles, it isn’t— and never was -our place to judge. Our one and ultimate injunction is to love one another. Charity never faileth.
My heart broke into a million pieces during Elder Packer’s talk last October conference because I knew that hundreds of our “same-sex-attracted” brothers and sisters were listening, waiting to be fed and encouraged on their life journeys (like all of us), and his words about God not making us “that way” were like an arrow to the heart. They made me so sad because I KNOW that people struggle with those feelings very early in life and I KNOW that it is not their choice. Some of the people I love the most on this earth, who have been instrumental in bringing me closer to Christ, are active, believing members of the church who are also gay. Acting on feelings is a choice; we rarely can choose our feelings. I followed a link to this post from a gay member of the church about Elder Packer's remarks. I found his comments insightful and almost identical to the thoughts I had while watching the talk live and re-watching later to make sure I heard him right. I can save my self a load of time by just directing you to that link if you want to know what I thought of BKP's talk, specifically. I was so relieved when those words were removed from Elder Packer’s printed talk and when the church issued a statement the next week. The words "Balm of Gilead" come to mind when I watch this clip. I hope I and the church as whole--each individual member--can develop the same tenderness and compassion exhibited by Brother Otterson.
One of those dear friends is leading a conference of homosexual members of the LDS Church this weekend in the Kirtland Temple. We have had long talks about his journey, about where he fits in Heavenly Father’s family and in the church. I am so proud of him. I pray the Spirit will bless him and the gathering this week. I hope hearts will be healed and knit together, and that the Spirit of unity will spill over into our home wards and branches throughout the church. Randall, I can’t be there in person, but my heart and hopes are with you this weekend!
