Mourn With Those That Mourn

I got sucked into this 4-hour podcast interview with an acquaintance from back home in Arizona. Of course his story was heart-crushing and disappointing, but it also led me down a thinking-path I will try to put into words.

I have spent a ton of time the past couple of years talking and listening to friends who have left the church. I find a couple of common threads that make their experiences different than mine. First, the ( false) belief inculcated by our church culture the past 40-50 years in the infallibility of the prophets and apostles--believing and trying to obey every word they say without testing it with Moroni's promise; leaving their own glorious agency in the hands of general authorities, stake or mission presidents, or bishops.  Second, the tendency to live a pharisical version of the restored gospel that I believe neither Jesus or Joseph Smith ever intended...when they tell stories of their early years, trying to live the gospel, their stories often  contain (sadly...so, so sadly) feelings of unworthiness, of trying to 'earn' God's love and approval, like rowing that salvation boat in a fruitless circle,  using the "works" oar more than the "faith" oar; like experiencing only justice when Christ is mercy. This OF COURSE has led to feelings of failure, depression, anxiety, anger against the organization, sadness, loss, etc.

I want to bear my witness right now that THESE FEELINGS & PROMPTINGS ARE NOT OF GOD. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, self-confidence tempered with humilty, strength, charity, and hope. Things that make you feel contentious, "judgey", self-hating, weak, desperate, isolation, etc. come from The Adversary. THIS article helped me to understand how much Satan uses our cultural tendencies toward unealthy perfectionism and an unbalanced focus on works without faith or grace against us. My heart aches for those whom he relentlessly attacks with these stealthy, effective weapons. There is a lot more I got out of this podcast, but this is the biggest thing--recognizing this pattern and wanting to bear witness against it. My heart goes out to Eldon and his loved ones and I hope he will make room in his heart once again--on healthier terms--for the love of God.

One other thing that I think Eldon got totally right is that Mormons (in general) suck at mourning. It's totally true. We suck at most things that are not the happy part of the Great Plan of Happiness. But I think when our faith in the Savior is strong, we can fully embrace the tragic and heart-rending parts of life as an important part of our mortal experience. I am closest to the Savior in my extremities. My closest relationships are with people who have "been there" for me while I've mourned, or with whom I have mourned. The most comforting words to me in my own sorrows were not the hopeful, "we-know-the-plan", "buck-up-little-camper" thoughts (however well-intentioned those were)--they were words like, "I've been through this and I know it hurts and I am thinking of you as you go through this," or "I don't know what this feels like, but I imagine it's terrible and I just want you to know I love you," or actions like showing up with dinner, helping me find good airfares to a funeral, or throwing a birthday party for my daughter because the ground had just pulled from beneath my feet and I could barely breathe, let alone "google" or  be festive. Encouragment to stay in bed if I felt like it, to cry if I felt like it, to walk right into and through the pain rather than running from it--these are the healthy and Christlike things people have done for me. This is what I believe it means to mourn with those that mourn. I believe we can do better.

Imagine my joy when Sister Linda Reeves spoke to us Saturday night about how to be there for eachother the way Jesus would (Click HERE to watch). Her example of the story of Lazarus was PERFECT. It was validating. I thought to myself, for Pete's sake, Jesus was JESUS--he KNEW what had happened, he KNEW that Lazarus was going to rise again, but he was so crushed by seeing his loved ones (Mary & Martha) in pain that HE WEPT WITH THEM. He "groaned in Spirit." He stopped what he was doing and mourned with them. He shared this mortal experience with them, deeply and fully. And only THEN did he commanded Lazarus to rise.

To me, this illustrates that when we gloss over pain and sorrow, we miss out. We miss the chance to feel our feelings. We miss the chance to bond with and show our love for the person who is hurting. We miss an experience that will make us more like Christ. And in the process of trying to be positive, we may add insult to injury by invalidating the sorrow of the mourner (this goes for the sinner, the addict, the depressed, or the chronically or terminally ill or their loved ones, too--mortality presents us with sorrow for a myriad of reasons). I love this quote from Sister Reeves: "Dear sisters, our Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ know us and love us...and they do not say, 'It's okay that you are in pain right now because soon everything is going to be alright. You will be healed,' or 'Your husband will find a job,' or 'Your wandering child will come back.' They feel the depth of our suffering and we can feel of their love and compassion in our suffering." Then she quotes one of my top 5 favorite scriptures: "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and  afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him  death, that he may  loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to csuccor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12). How can we learn to be like Him if we don't take some of it upon us, too? We can do better. I am going to try harder to embrace the hard times and not be afraid to weep like Jesus did.