Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

Remember that song? I just had a little "ending" of my own; I am only writing this because I would like to have read something like it yesterday, to know what was coming, and if you don't want to hear the details, it's okay to stop reading now.

After we called the key family members (including Uncle Doctor to decode what-the-freak the nurse was telling me) and got the kids to bed, Richard and I went to bed and snuggled up. I still felt very much like it was the first day of a regular period--not much bleeding, a little lower back discomfort, the occasional quirky pelvic pain. I felt a little cold and shaky and my Sacrum was achy (the joints on both sides). I finally got comfortable and fell asleep, afraid of what kind of nightmares I might have (I didn't dream at all).

I got up to pee a few times, each time accompanied by a little more blood, but nothing too serious. The cramps/contractions picked up at 4am and I got a tall glass of water and 2 Tylenol and went back to bed. I tucked several pillows under my knees to tilt my pelvis back and relieve my lower back (that's where I always feel my contractions) and fell back to sleep (even with a squirmy, whiny visit from Heidi).

At 6:20AM, I was awakened by a warm woosh of fluid that swept up my lower back. I jumped out of bed as fast as I could and gathered my baggy pj bottoms around my waist. As I ran up the stairs, the warmth traveled down my legs and I reached the bathroom, narrowly averting disaster. What happened next was not unlike a trap door effect-- I sat down and painlessly "lost a load." I shouldn't say painlessly, because it was emotionally painful, but it didn't hurt my body. I was shocked at the quantity of fluid just flowing out, sort of like when you stop to pee on a roadtrip and you think to yourself, "Wow--I had no idea my bladder was that big!" When the torrent finally stopped I felt faint and just waited to gather my wits. I started running a hot bath and turned around to see what had just happened. The blood was so thick, the water did not dilute it--it looked pretty horrific. But I knew my body had done its job.

It took me a minute to flush because I knew that what I had considered "our baby brother" until a few days ago was in there. But I finally did it and climbed into the tub. By body began to relax and I felt better after only a few minutes. I looked at the 4 bruises on my arms from all the blood work and wondered if it had been worth it to worry all week. I concluded that it HAD-- even though I began spotting before the conclusive results came back, I had been able to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for this experience, whereas if I had just gone and had a totally normal doctor visit one Friday, and then had this horrible experience the next, I would have been pretty traumatized. I thought of all my friends & family who have gone through this several times in their struggles with infertility-- I felt waves of sisterly empathy and wanted to send out (belated) long distance hugs.

I feel okay now. It has been about 30 minutes. Everyone is silently sleeping and the sun is rising and that song I quoted is running through my head---every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

***
Update: Friday morning was very much like labor for me, with the cramping, etc. I only bled heavily and consistently on Friday, then spurts of heavy beeding on Saturday and Sunday, and occasional spotting and weak abdominal pain on Monday & Tuesday. By Wednesday I was merely exhausted, and Thursday found out I am anemic (surprise, surprise). The following Friday I felt good--with enough energy to take care of my home and family and with renewed spiritual and emotional strength, too. As I said to a friend--and it sounds kind of silly-- but if you have to have a miscarriage, this was a good one to have: early in the pregnancy, natural, and relatively short, with lots of family and friend support and a little bit of warning. I hope this never happens to anyone who reads this, but if it does (or has), I hope these details helped. It's something no one talks about because it is so emotional and private, but I wanted to know about other people's experiences to give me a "heads up"--that's why I have shared mine.