A Spoonful of Truth

Each morning this week I have been (a) watching Steph's "My New Life" video (below) and then watching/taking notes on another conference talk (on DVR) to give myself the strength to do my day. I really can't tell you how much Stephanie's statement, "I am Stephanie Nielsen and I am not my body" has meant to me.

I have always struggled with the fact that my outside doesn't match my inside, at least in the way our world judges things--I am convinced that my inside is a slim, bobbed-brunette, bespectacled, 5-foot-3-inch librarian/nun. But my outside has always been a taller, curvacious, squishy, sunny blonde. Hard to match up.

Me with Addie, 2002

And since I finished nursing James in 2007 and all the hormones settled in and the Graves Disease began to rage, that curvy body got even curvier, my head has ached excruciatingly almost everyday requiring a prescription which I rarely take because it makes me sleep and I don't want to miss even an hour of a day with my kids. The arthritis in my back and the disease in my system make each morning hard to face--I wake with the first burning pains between 3 and 4am and I flip on my heating pad. I start to pray that they will go away and I can make something of my day. I have found that if I skip my afternoon siesta (usually from 1:30-2:30), I have to sacrifice my evening because I will be (figuratively) face-down in my dinner plate. Exhausted.

At first I felt free to rest up because I was trying to "get well." But then it became clear that there is no "getting well", that this is my new normal--MY New Life--but the people around me seemed impatient for me to be well again. So I started pretending that I feel good everyday because that's what others need to think--that I feel good, that I am fine, that all is well.

And all IS well, but just for the record, I don't feel good. Ever. Whether or not I get all my exercise and supplements and medication and sleep, I will probably never feel good again. But I feel good enough. And I feel even better when I do the things my Spirit and my body want me to do. Sometimes meeting both needs--Body & Spirit--is like caring for two whiny, demanding children whose needs are at odds. My Spirit still has lofty goals and aspirations and good ideas and a desire to serve and learn and write, 24/7. My body would like 2 Excedrin migraine caplets twice a day with a Coca -Cola chaser, then fresh organic food, a yoga session, a massage, and 13 hours of sleep everyday. As you can clearly suss, it's a battle each day to just balance them out and do my thing. But the happy news is I AM NOT MY BODY. I will be judged on the desires of my heart--or, in other words, all the things my Spirit longs to do and be. To me, that really is good news.