These Dreams

I posted this on a friend's dream website:(Heidi & Addie Christmas 2004)

Every night since I miscarried I have dreamt about losing the girls. The first night, Rich dreamed that, too. Every night it's a different scenario, but every night it's the same horrifying plot--we have lost one of the girls or one is stolen, left behind, or dying. Usually there is a happy ending (we are all reunited safe and unharmed), or else I wake up before the resolution because I am so stressed out by the dream. In the daytime I feel perfectly fine, but somewhere my mind must be working things out. Thoughts?

Last night I dreamt that we were at the airport and Rich and I had to take Addie to the car at the curb for some reason, and we left Heidi inside. I was going to stay with Addie in the car while Rich waited inside with Heidi. In the short seconds we were both outside, several busloads full of terrorists (they were WASPY Americans, by the way, with a political beef) took everyone outside the airport hostage. We were lying on the ground with guns to our heads while Heidi was alone inside and we could no longer see her through the window. The plot went on and on and we got out alive, but the most horrible moment was when Heidi came wandering out the automatic doors into the hostage situation. Luckily they let me get up and grab her, but it was straight up terrifying. In the daytime my thoughts are totally normal, but I must have issues in my subconscience.

Addie the Baker

In a lame attempt at being FunMommy, I helped Addie bake the cookie dough we made yesterday (well, we made dough for 12 dozen--today we only made one dozen). She decorated them with little candies, I did some of the frosting. She is very proud of her work and even gave the Fat Boy gingerbread man to Daddy for lunch just now. FUN! Now let's hope she lets me nap--I am SAPPED! More to come...

Post Script...

My Cousin Dave, who served with the Army in Afghanistan last year, brought up a good point in the comments section:

Obviously Grandpa Dotson was a Vet... but which war did he fight in? And which branch of the military was he in? I have a soft spot in my heart for the old boys who went and fought in WW II. I'd love to hear about were he served and what he did while in the service.


So, from Grandpa's Obituary:

"Simon entered the Army at Fort Lewis, WA on Jan. 18, 1944 and was discharged May 13, 1946 [my mom-in-law was born in June 1947]. He served as a radio operator in the Philippines ending his career as a Tech 4. He was also Chief of Section anti-aircraft weapons, supervising 14 men and supplying 40mm anti--aircraft weapons. He received the Philippines Liberation Medal with one bronze star, Asiatic Pacific Service Medal, American Theatre Service Medal, Victory Medal, and of course, the Good Conduct Medal."

Then he came back to podunk Montana and raised three fabulous children and 10 grandkids, operating a Cargill Grain Elevator, fishing, and boating--- my in-laws have great memories of him, even my dad-in-law. They are a really close family, thanks in part, no doubt, to the good man Grandpa Dotson was.

11/07: Grandpa Si Dotson's Funeral

The American Legion Bugler played Taps...
...and the guns saluted...
...as loved ones looked on in the sleet (yes, that's Addie in front).
Farewell, Grandpa.

Poor Angie had to go to her Grandpa's funeral on her birthday, so we tried to make it fun by having a big cousin party here last night. It was great!

Mike, Connie, and Cindy are on the couch; Mom Melin is holding the cake; Angie is blowing out candles while Addie and Danny help; Aunt Ellie and Emma look on (PS: See Addie's latest haircut? It's pretty cute).
Emma (daughter of Rich's cousin, Connie) and Heidi had fun together. Emma is 9 days older than Heidi.
Cute Cousins--only 2 Dotson Cousins (Jess and Bobby) were missing.

L-R: Pam, Mike, Connie, Mark, Annette, Cindy, Rich, & Angie.

"Moving in silent desperation

Keeping an eye on the holy land

A hypothetical destination

Say, who is this walking man?

Well, the leaves have come to turning

And the goose has gone to fly

And bridges are for burning

So don’t you let that yearning

Pass you by...

The frost is on the pumpkin

And the hay is in the barn...

And the walking man walks..."

-James Taylor

There is my crazy snow baby making an angel today after lunch.
Look! Fresh Tracks!

Family Lunch

We had lunch at The Wok today with Rich's mom's siblings; clockwise from left: Addie, Me, Heidi, Aunt Ellie, Uncle Dan, Uncle Dennis, Aunt Carol behind Cousin Cindy, Mom & Dad Melin (Rich took the picture).
Addie took this picture of Heidi with Grandma...
...and this one of me waving.

Snowy Monday

I keep getting calls and e-mails wondering if I am really okay---I REALLY AM! I feel much better today than I did a week ago, even better than I have in a long time. I even taught a class at church yesterday, didn't take a nap because we had so much family in town.

Which brings me to : we are on on our way to a funeral for Rich's grandpa. His mom's dad died last week in California and he is being burried here today next to Grandma Adeline out in Paradise Valley. Yes, we have had quite the week! But all the mourning will be over soon and we will be glad...then it will be time for Thanksgiving and we really do have so much to be thankful for.

Anyway--I'll be back soon with the week in pictures and lots of other things. Thanks again SO MUCH for all the support and love. I have the best family and friends (and even acquaintances!).

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

Remember that song? I just had a little "ending" of my own; I am only writing this because I would like to have read something like it yesterday, to know what was coming, and if you don't want to hear the details, it's okay to stop reading now.

After we called the key family members (including Uncle Doctor to decode what-the-freak the nurse was telling me) and got the kids to bed, Richard and I went to bed and snuggled up. I still felt very much like it was the first day of a regular period--not much bleeding, a little lower back discomfort, the occasional quirky pelvic pain. I felt a little cold and shaky and my Sacrum was achy (the joints on both sides). I finally got comfortable and fell asleep, afraid of what kind of nightmares I might have (I didn't dream at all).

I got up to pee a few times, each time accompanied by a little more blood, but nothing too serious. The cramps/contractions picked up at 4am and I got a tall glass of water and 2 Tylenol and went back to bed. I tucked several pillows under my knees to tilt my pelvis back and relieve my lower back (that's where I always feel my contractions) and fell back to sleep (even with a squirmy, whiny visit from Heidi).

At 6:20AM, I was awakened by a warm woosh of fluid that swept up my lower back. I jumped out of bed as fast as I could and gathered my baggy pj bottoms around my waist. As I ran up the stairs, the warmth traveled down my legs and I reached the bathroom, narrowly averting disaster. What happened next was not unlike a trap door effect-- I sat down and painlessly "lost a load." I shouldn't say painlessly, because it was emotionally painful, but it didn't hurt my body. I was shocked at the quantity of fluid just flowing out, sort of like when you stop to pee on a roadtrip and you think to yourself, "Wow--I had no idea my bladder was that big!" When the torrent finally stopped I felt faint and just waited to gather my wits. I started running a hot bath and turned around to see what had just happened. The blood was so thick, the water did not dilute it--it looked pretty horrific. But I knew my body had done its job.

It took me a minute to flush because I knew that what I had considered "our baby brother" until a few days ago was in there. But I finally did it and climbed into the tub. By body began to relax and I felt better after only a few minutes. I looked at the 4 bruises on my arms from all the blood work and wondered if it had been worth it to worry all week. I concluded that it HAD-- even though I began spotting before the conclusive results came back, I had been able to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for this experience, whereas if I had just gone and had a totally normal doctor visit one Friday, and then had this horrible experience the next, I would have been pretty traumatized. I thought of all my friends & family who have gone through this several times in their struggles with infertility-- I felt waves of sisterly empathy and wanted to send out (belated) long distance hugs.

I feel okay now. It has been about 30 minutes. Everyone is silently sleeping and the sun is rising and that song I quoted is running through my head---every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

***
Update: Friday morning was very much like labor for me, with the cramping, etc. I only bled heavily and consistently on Friday, then spurts of heavy beeding on Saturday and Sunday, and occasional spotting and weak abdominal pain on Monday & Tuesday. By Wednesday I was merely exhausted, and Thursday found out I am anemic (surprise, surprise). The following Friday I felt good--with enough energy to take care of my home and family and with renewed spiritual and emotional strength, too. As I said to a friend--and it sounds kind of silly-- but if you have to have a miscarriage, this was a good one to have: early in the pregnancy, natural, and relatively short, with lots of family and friend support and a little bit of warning. I hope this never happens to anyone who reads this, but if it does (or has), I hope these details helped. It's something no one talks about because it is so emotional and private, but I wanted to know about other people's experiences to give me a "heads up"--that's why I have shared mine.