Yet another disappointing day at Livingston Memorial Hospital's Ultrasound room... I have no news, but in this case no news doesn't mean good news. The ultrasound guy did both the regular wand and the probe to get measurments today and he found out that I am most certainly not 10 weeks, more like 7, and since I am only 7 weeks he couldn't quite pick up the heart tones from the embryo, although he says it looks like only one sac, but couldn't be sure for another 2 weeks.
Um, okay...that doesn't sound ANYTHING like what I was expecting to hear today, but...okay. Of course, the first thing that pops into my head is my friend who had an ultrasound at 10wks and measured 7 weeks because she was miscarrying. I kept just asking the guy, "So what does that mean?" when I really should have been asking, "So is my baby alive or dead?" but I just couldn't say it. Besides, the answer would have been, "We just can't tell" (which--okay--PLEASE, in this day and age SOMEONE should be able to tell me if my embryo is alive, doncha think!?!). He just said to come back in two weeks to get measurements. "Dont worry--in two weeks we'll know exactly where you stand."
DON'T WORRY??
TWO WEEKS??
Have you never dealt with a pregnant woman before? IT'S ALL WORRY, Buddy, 24/7!!! And I have to wonder for TWO WEEKS?! I held it together and got dressed as fast as humanly possible so I could run out of the hospital and cry like a baby in the car (but not too much because I didn't want to freak out Rich & Heidi who were with me). I calmed myself down and reminded myself that I haven't had any bleeding at all since August 26th, that I have felt pretty pregnant, that the uterus and sac looked healthy and pregnant...I tried to figure out if it's even mathematically possible for me to be only 7 weeks (meaning 5 weeks gestation)--it's not, because I took my pregnancy test 5 weeks and three days ago, which means I am 9 weeks at the least. So I am just hoping it's just a mix up and I am right on in the next ultrasound.
I was getting a little suspicious about not being sick--but I can handle 12 weeks of throwing up WAY better than I can handle a miscarriage and starting the first trimester all over again. We'll just have to wait and see.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
What Matters
We had the best church meeting today. Time does not permit me to expound on the details, but it was really wonderful and every talk touched upon something I have been thinking about a lot lately.
I realize that I am a little bit too introspective and analytical and critical with myself as I live my life--I know this, but I haven't been able to improve much (there have been improvements, though--I am slowly letting go of my death-grip on the clean house and perfectly groomed children, mostly out of necessity, though). The ghost of my great grandma (and lots of my own psycho demons) is always whispering over my shoulder to do things "right"or "better" or "perfect."
Although I am learning to tune it out when I need to, the thoughts are still there and lots of times they distract me from what matters most. I focus on the objects and the controllable things in my world, not because I am materialistic or because they mean so much to me (because they don't), but because in the chaos and emotional challenge of raising a family, contollable things give structure, predictability, stability. Putting chores and duties above my true responsibilities makes me look like I have a handle on things, puts me in control of something, when in truth it is perhaps a way of (unwittingly) avoiding the hard things--what matters most: relationships, communicating things like feelings, needs, and spiritual experiences with my family, finding the right ways to discipline and teach my daughters and they grow into different stages and have different needs. It's hard work--lots harder that doing dishes and scrubbing toilets.
This post by a dear friend of mine hit the nail on the head, just when it had become obvious to me as the next big thing I need to work on in my life. I let the low things press out the high things so often. Then I found an old songbook and started playing piano and singing songs to myself one afternoon while the girls were asleep. When I turned to this song, I couldn't even choke out the words:
"Are you giving the least to those who matter most
Or are you sharing your best with those who really aren't that close?
Well, it's time to look around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Do you listen with love when someone's soul is aching
Or do you simply choose which judgment you'll be making?
Well, it's time to turn around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Are you running the race by rushing to conclusions?
Are you part of what's wrong or part of the solution?
If you don't know where to turn
Just listen to your heart and you will learn."
And if that's not heart -crushing enough, Addie has started to crumble to pieces and cry when I yell at her instead of obstinately yelling back (don't even ask me why we are yelling in the first place--things are THAT out of hand). And now at least once a week I cry myself to sleep at night after I review my day in prayers and realize what has come out of my mouth and all the chances to show love that I gave up. Today's church meetings cemented my resolve to make it stop. Today is the day. The following poem is the last word...I am going to be a better mother and wife and that's it. Everything else can wait.
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs; Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
I realize that I am a little bit too introspective and analytical and critical with myself as I live my life--I know this, but I haven't been able to improve much (there have been improvements, though--I am slowly letting go of my death-grip on the clean house and perfectly groomed children, mostly out of necessity, though). The ghost of my great grandma (and lots of my own psycho demons) is always whispering over my shoulder to do things "right"or "better" or "perfect."
Although I am learning to tune it out when I need to, the thoughts are still there and lots of times they distract me from what matters most. I focus on the objects and the controllable things in my world, not because I am materialistic or because they mean so much to me (because they don't), but because in the chaos and emotional challenge of raising a family, contollable things give structure, predictability, stability. Putting chores and duties above my true responsibilities makes me look like I have a handle on things, puts me in control of something, when in truth it is perhaps a way of (unwittingly) avoiding the hard things--what matters most: relationships, communicating things like feelings, needs, and spiritual experiences with my family, finding the right ways to discipline and teach my daughters and they grow into different stages and have different needs. It's hard work--lots harder that doing dishes and scrubbing toilets.
This post by a dear friend of mine hit the nail on the head, just when it had become obvious to me as the next big thing I need to work on in my life. I let the low things press out the high things so often. Then I found an old songbook and started playing piano and singing songs to myself one afternoon while the girls were asleep. When I turned to this song, I couldn't even choke out the words:
"Are you giving the least to those who matter most
Or are you sharing your best with those who really aren't that close?
Well, it's time to look around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Do you listen with love when someone's soul is aching
Or do you simply choose which judgment you'll be making?
Well, it's time to turn around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Are you running the race by rushing to conclusions?
Are you part of what's wrong or part of the solution?
If you don't know where to turn
Just listen to your heart and you will learn."
And if that's not heart -crushing enough, Addie has started to crumble to pieces and cry when I yell at her instead of obstinately yelling back (don't even ask me why we are yelling in the first place--things are THAT out of hand). And now at least once a week I cry myself to sleep at night after I review my day in prayers and realize what has come out of my mouth and all the chances to show love that I gave up. Today's church meetings cemented my resolve to make it stop. Today is the day. The following poem is the last word...I am going to be a better mother and wife and that's it. Everything else can wait.
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs; Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Trunk or Treat
Last night was our annual Halloween Carnival and "Trunk or Treat" at church. We had a busy day and had to rush to get ready, but it was worth it. We had a really good time--Rich and I even dressed up ourselves as an afterthought (thanks to the 75% off stuff I bought last year). Here's Blonde Witch, Strawberry Shortcake, Scarecrow, and Apple Dumpling.
Friday, October 28, 2005
ON THIS DATE IN HISTORY: Triple Whammy
1972: My brother-in-law, Jess Melin, was born (Jess with his son, TJay)
1999: Addie's friend, Cayden, was born (Cayden is 2nd from left looking darling)
1985: My brother, Michael, was born (Michael is on the left)I had to include all 3 of them because it's so cool! And 2 of the 3 of them are here in town with us today (Michael is serving a mission in Washington State, so he has to miss our pizza party tonight). But we wish them all a very Happy Birthday and we're glad they were born!
RE: Sandra Day O'Connor
Yesterday I posted about feeling sorry for Justice O'Connor who would very much like to retire. Last night on the Daily Show they said the very same thing during a fake news report about Miers resignation. Here's what reporter Ed Helms said: "Who ever they nominate, they'd better move quickly-- O'Connor resigned almost 6 months ago, and if this recent photo is any indication, the only case she's fit to decide now is Trinidad v. Tobago."
Heh, heh. It's a fuzzy picture taken right off the screen, but that image should keep you giggling all day! :) Pre-Natal News
I spent 2-1/2 hours at my first pre-natal yesterday-- 3pm- 5:30pm, mostly WAITING. I got really hungry, so when I went to the lab for my blood draw at like 5:15, I fainted (just in my chair for a second). So then I had to sit there until I stopped seeing stars. Other than that, it's all good. They told me my blood pressure is a little high at 122 over 72--I thought that was good, but I guess I was wrong.
And I am measuring a little bit big, so I have an ultrasound on Monday morning to see if there is just one baby. I don't feel like it's twins, but wouldn't that be fun? The due date is still 5/27, although after delivering two babies at 38 weeks, they are guessing around May 15th. Today I am feeling less nausea but more achy--the lower back and the front of the pelvis where all those ligaments attach are giving me fits today.
Addie is also giving me fits today; she wants t go puddle jumping, so I need to go get her outfitted. Send an email or leave me a comment to cheer me up on this rainy fall day!
And I am measuring a little bit big, so I have an ultrasound on Monday morning to see if there is just one baby. I don't feel like it's twins, but wouldn't that be fun? The due date is still 5/27, although after delivering two babies at 38 weeks, they are guessing around May 15th. Today I am feeling less nausea but more achy--the lower back and the front of the pelvis where all those ligaments attach are giving me fits today.
Addie is also giving me fits today; she wants t go puddle jumping, so I need to go get her outfitted. Send an email or leave me a comment to cheer me up on this rainy fall day!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
"When Sandra was in Egypt Land...
...let my Sandra go!" Poor, poor Sandra Day, she just wants to retire, people. Let's nominate a good, qualified person (no offense to Harriet, and NO, I don't think Bush should nominate a more conservative justice, just a more experienced one) and let Madame Justice retire to the ranch in peace!
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