Mourn With Those That Mourn

I got sucked into this 4-hour podcast interview with an acquaintance from back home in Arizona. Of course his story was heart-crushing and disappointing, but it also led me down a thinking-path I will try to put into words.

I have spent a ton of time the past couple of years talking and listening to friends who have left the church. I find a couple of common threads that make their experiences different than mine. First, the ( false) belief inculcated by our church culture the past 40-50 years in the infallibility of the prophets and apostles--believing and trying to obey every word they say without testing it with Moroni's promise; leaving their own glorious agency in the hands of general authorities, stake or mission presidents, or bishops.  Second, the tendency to live a pharisical version of the restored gospel that I believe neither Jesus or Joseph Smith ever intended...when they tell stories of their early years, trying to live the gospel, their stories often  contain (sadly...so, so sadly) feelings of unworthiness, of trying to 'earn' God's love and approval, like rowing that salvation boat in a fruitless circle,  using the "works" oar more than the "faith" oar; like experiencing only justice when Christ is mercy. This OF COURSE has led to feelings of failure, depression, anxiety, anger against the organization, sadness, loss, etc.

I want to bear my witness right now that THESE FEELINGS & PROMPTINGS ARE NOT OF GOD. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, self-confidence tempered with humilty, strength, charity, and hope. Things that make you feel contentious, "judgey", self-hating, weak, desperate, isolation, etc. come from The Adversary. THIS article helped me to understand how much Satan uses our cultural tendencies toward unealthy perfectionism and an unbalanced focus on works without faith or grace against us. My heart aches for those whom he relentlessly attacks with these stealthy, effective weapons. There is a lot more I got out of this podcast, but this is the biggest thing--recognizing this pattern and wanting to bear witness against it. My heart goes out to Eldon and his loved ones and I hope he will make room in his heart once again--on healthier terms--for the love of God.

One other thing that I think Eldon got totally right is that Mormons (in general) suck at mourning. It's totally true. We suck at most things that are not the happy part of the Great Plan of Happiness. But I think when our faith in the Savior is strong, we can fully embrace the tragic and heart-rending parts of life as an important part of our mortal experience. I am closest to the Savior in my extremities. My closest relationships are with people who have "been there" for me while I've mourned, or with whom I have mourned. The most comforting words to me in my own sorrows were not the hopeful, "we-know-the-plan", "buck-up-little-camper" thoughts (however well-intentioned those were)--they were words like, "I've been through this and I know it hurts and I am thinking of you as you go through this," or "I don't know what this feels like, but I imagine it's terrible and I just want you to know I love you," or actions like showing up with dinner, helping me find good airfares to a funeral, or throwing a birthday party for my daughter because the ground had just pulled from beneath my feet and I could barely breathe, let alone "google" or  be festive. Encouragment to stay in bed if I felt like it, to cry if I felt like it, to walk right into and through the pain rather than running from it--these are the healthy and Christlike things people have done for me. This is what I believe it means to mourn with those that mourn. I believe we can do better.

Imagine my joy when Sister Linda Reeves spoke to us Saturday night about how to be there for eachother the way Jesus would (Click HERE to watch). Her example of the story of Lazarus was PERFECT. It was validating. I thought to myself, for Pete's sake, Jesus was JESUS--he KNEW what had happened, he KNEW that Lazarus was going to rise again, but he was so crushed by seeing his loved ones (Mary & Martha) in pain that HE WEPT WITH THEM. He "groaned in Spirit." He stopped what he was doing and mourned with them. He shared this mortal experience with them, deeply and fully. And only THEN did he commanded Lazarus to rise.

To me, this illustrates that when we gloss over pain and sorrow, we miss out. We miss the chance to feel our feelings. We miss the chance to bond with and show our love for the person who is hurting. We miss an experience that will make us more like Christ. And in the process of trying to be positive, we may add insult to injury by invalidating the sorrow of the mourner (this goes for the sinner, the addict, the depressed, or the chronically or terminally ill or their loved ones, too--mortality presents us with sorrow for a myriad of reasons). I love this quote from Sister Reeves: "Dear sisters, our Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ know us and love us...and they do not say, 'It's okay that you are in pain right now because soon everything is going to be alright. You will be healed,' or 'Your husband will find a job,' or 'Your wandering child will come back.' They feel the depth of our suffering and we can feel of their love and compassion in our suffering." Then she quotes one of my top 5 favorite scriptures: "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and  afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him  death, that he may  loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to csuccor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12). How can we learn to be like Him if we don't take some of it upon us, too? We can do better. I am going to try harder to embrace the hard times and not be afraid to weep like Jesus did.

September in the Rear-View Mirror

I am completely stunned that it is October 1st. September was a complete blur of back-to-school activities, getting into a groove, house guests, trying (and failing so bad)to keep up with Niles, studying lots of scripture and books, showing the house, and welcoming fall. It flew by so fast, there is a sad lack of photography, but here is what we DO have:


On Friday September 7th, I took James & his friend William on a birthday date to Museum of the Rockies. They wanted to explore the Lewis and Clark Trail first, so here is James on the Lewis & Clark boat at MOR.

William & James on the boat at MOR.

The boys ran ahead of me onthe trai and I found them holding a camp meeting. This is what I told William's mom about it:  "I have to tell you about the really super intense, cute pretending they did on the Lewis and Clark trail at the musem. William conducted a "church meeting" and "Turned the time over to our first officer" (James) for the closing prayer, after his report about "Today's journey" and the dinner they were about to eat. It was a HOOT! I took pix, but I didn't have my camera that makes videos...THAT would have been a good one! Such cute boys. Oh, and everytime they "turned the time over", they would pass eachother on the stairs to the podium and shake hands and slap eachother's backs..."

James the "First Officer" reporting on "today's journey" to an audience of...William.

Two cute dino-lovin' boys!

After the museum, we got happy meals for dinner and new sneakers at Walmart, then came home to play with birthday toys while William's family watched his big brother play football. Such a fun time with my six-year-old!

On September 15-16th, Rich had some old friends come to visit...Dana & Denise Nichols came to town. They stayed with us Saturday night and went to church Sunday morning. Here are Rich, Dana, Shaun Spalding, and Denise. Fun Reunion.

After a doctor's appointment in Bozeman I snapped this photo heading out of town. The canyon was distractingly gorgeous with fall colors, but I was driving so I couldn't take pictures. I love fall so dang much!

Here's a silly pic Heidi took of Addie adn her friend Izzi in the car on 9/22 heading to play at the park and get wilcoxson's ice cream.
***
On Monday, 9/24 I turned 41. It was good. Lots of sweet bday wishes, cards from my kids, flowers from Westenskows, treats from Tyners, Lunch date with hubs while Kim babysat Honeybadger, Dinner with inlaws--grilled chicken and an amazing srawberry-spinach salad from mom Melin, Target gift card from inlaws, David Sedaris tickets from hubs, and around 8pm...a 5-day visit from Gram & Auntie M!

Here we are Monday night with our birthday cake...Happy Birthday to Auntie M & Maj!

On Tuesday night, Rich took us to dinner and swimming at Chico Hot Springs. Even Gram got in and enjoyed the hot water! Niles loved it and everyone slept like rocks that night! YAY! We had a beautiful week together, including a quick trip to Helena to see Lehmans and Postums, and dutch oven dessert at the ranch on Friday. They had to leave super early Saturday morning and I was sad to say goodbye. But I had a really great night watching the Women's Broadcast. So thankful for the good Mormon Women in my life! Here's to another great year of life.

Back to School 2012

Last night after a long, fun, hot last day of summer vacation, we ate grilled brats and salad for dinner, then had baths and family night. We talked about a theme for the year and the kids got blessings from their dad.  For the theme we chose

and we read THIS (you should, too).

It was a semi-smooth bedtime, everyone asleep by nine, except me, of course, because I had 4 loads of laundry to fold by the light of The Daily Show (which I haven't watched since the first week of August; the DVR is getting full). I got settled into bed at midnight (still 78 degrees in my house, ugh, I like to sleep COLD), then Niles started wailing around 2am. He was wild, thrashing, whiny, out of control. Teething again. Or still (his little molars have been swelling like marbles under his gums all summer long, I kid you not. Cut your teeth already, poor baby!

Finally after a little milk and some pain meds, we finally got Niles (HB) back to sleep around 4. Heidi was up at 6, all excited for the first day of school. She and Addie got all decked out for school in the skirts we made at Activity Days last week. Addie helped Heidi make a leopard-print duct tape wallet in the six o'clock hour. I got up at seven, so tired from wrestling the honey badger (HB), and started making blueberry pancakes and bacon with ranch apple juice for breakfast.

James and Richard came straggling upstairs at 7:30am and ate breakfast while I got dressed and finished up everybody's last details. Then we hit the road just before 8, dropping the girls off at Eastside Intermediate School, then escorting James to meet his teacher and find his desk at Winans Primary School (around 8:15am, just in time for the bell). Rich went to his office and I came home with a VERY TIRED Niles. I put Niles down for a two and a half hour nap (which just ended) and cleaned the kitchen and started prep cooking for the rest of the week's dinners. I have time to blog again! Time to hear myself think! Time to clean and create and study and be mesmerized by the sounds of Ira Glass...it's good. School is REALLY good.

Not that my heart isn't tugged a tiny bit sending my kids off for another year, especially James, alone at his school. But that's life, right? I'm not overly sentimental and I take their independence and progress as a compliment and a reassurance that our family is on the right track. But I do get a twinge (I have a soul), so I was touched while driving home and listening to Writers Almanac on npr. I found today's poem pretty apropos:


Years From Now When You Are Weary

and worn out, wondering how you'll pay
a bill or make the rent or meet a deadline

set by some thoughtless boss—and kid,
such days will come—remember yourself

at five: hair light from the sun or just from
being young, new lunchbox pasted

with butterflies, how you hung your backpack
on a hook, then wouldn't let me take your picture

 on the first day of school, sending me
 out of that classroom, to the car, to my job

where a pair of bats flapped in the hallway.
Bats may be just bats, but one darted

into my office, quick as the boxer's head
that bobs and weaves and never gets hit.

It landed and hung from the drapes, upside
down, as you hung in my body for a while.

Bats are not the only flying mammals.
That afternoon in line for the bus, you cried,

so tired you thought you'd fall asleep
and miss your stop. Years from now, child,

in some helpless dusk, remember that fatigue
but how you made it home to me anyway

in the care of a kind farmer—bus driver.
Recall that once I arrived late, your bus

gone, and when I found you, carefully seated
by a coffeepot in a corner of a dim garage

at the school bus lot, you just said, Let's go,
Mama. Don't tell anyone about this.

-by Julia Kasdorf
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I love poetry.

I also love these kids. A LOT.

Heidi (thrid grade) and Addie (fifth grade) at Eastside school...FIRST DAY...wearing their owl skirts we made last week at Activity Days.

Heidi found her friend Brittany right away. They are in the same class again!

Addie found her desk and met her teacher for the first time (Heidi got to do this on Monday night at Thirda Grade Open House).

James at his desk...FIRST DAY of the first grade!

Look at my boy, all geeked-out excited to be back in school...he LOVES it. I miss him, bt I get the feeling he doesn't miss me much at all with all those books and things to do and learn.

I wish my kids, and their classmates and teachers and school workers, a happy & blessed year of learning & growing!

And so it begins...

After morning chores, the girls decided to ride bikes adn go to the park with friends. When they left at 10:30, I was still working in the kitchen. They told me that Niles and James were playing in their room downstairs, and they took off.

 I finished my work in the kitchen then went out back to water the plants. I found a pair of Niles' shoes and brought them in, which reminded me that it had been awfully quiet for 15 minutes. I went downstairs to put the shoes away and check on the boys. James was reading quietly on the bed. I listened for a second--silence.

"Where is Niles?" I asked James.

"I don't know. He went with the girls," James replied, not even looking up from his book.

 My heart began to race. The girls had gone out through the garage, left the door open, and rode away almost 20 minutes earlier. I checked all the downstairs rooms, including the secret room--no Niles. I had been up stairs before and had not seen or heard him come up, so my mind freaked out--had he followed me out back? Had he tried to follow the girls? Was my 15-month old baby wandering the streets of Livingston!?!

HOLY FREAKING HEART ATTACK!

I ran up the stairs and checked the garage first. I called his name and closed the door. I called out the back door, then ran to each bedroom and bathroom. I checked Addie's room last as I prepared myself to exit the front door and run down the street calling his name. As I opened Addie's door, I found clear evidence of The Honey Badger, but silence...

(yes, that's my flute on the ground)

Not unlike Goldilocks, Niles had tucked himself right into Addie's nicely-made bed (the girls weren't allowed to leave until their rooms were perfect)and settled in for his morning nap.

And I am blogging at my desk, still waiting for the heart palpitations to stop.

I'm having 2006 flashbacks of my naughty Heidi monkey...but this time, I know something I didn't know then:  we will both survive. PHEW!

In Which I Share a Great FHE Recipe

Ingredients:

Set up tent or blanket fort

Set up s'mores stuff for dessert, even if you only cook the marshmallows over a candle

Gather your materials:

• Scriptures
• THIS talk from the July Ensign
• THIS printable page from the April Friend
• Your family standards/rules, written out somehow
• "My Gospel Standards" poster

Summarize the Ensign article in kids terms; read the story of Alma's people in the scriptures then discuss other groups that Heavenly Father has called out away from wickedness since the time of  Adam til today. Apply this to us and point out that even thought we haven't been physically removed from our society, we have been commanded to leave the things of the world behind and choose good things. We need to keep wickedness, unkindness, contention, etc. out of our home and keep the Spirit in. How do we do that? [This is the part where you discuss Gospel and Family standards and focus on the particular issues your family mght be having]. Set some goals, close with a prayer and ask for divine help, then gobble some s'mores. Done.

I'll let ya know how it goes.

When We're Helping We're Happy

We don't have much to blog because we've just been swimming and cleaning/packing...not super exciting, but good. Here's Niles joining in the fun on Saturday 8/4.

Niles Helping from MelinFamily on Vimeo.

Dear Gram...

We've been thinking of you a lot lately. We all miss you, and I miss the spirit and comfort you bring to our home so much. *sigh*. I tried to call but missed you, so I thought I would upload all the summer pictures I have and tell you what we've been doing and how much we miss you...

It has been a VERY hot summer. Our normally-very-green-June turned yellow by the time July rolled around. It feels a lot like Arizona, minus the fabulous monsoon storms each night. So we've been doing a lot of swimming and sometimes we eat out when it's just too hot to cook. Here are the kids on the patio at Rib & Chop House on June 30th, after they worked hard selling lemonade earlier that day. 

Here is a picture of Rich blowing out the candle on his brithday banana split--it was too hot for cooking cakes :)

That big box on the table contained his new shirts and a black belt for Sunday...thanks for helping us surprise him. He looks spiffy in his new clothes.



This is a picture from Rich's phone. It accurately portrays our time at church these days. Niles is not a fan of sitting stil, nor of being quiet. *sigh* 4 more months til nursery...

Here's a better, happier picture of Rich & Niles. We call it "Pete & Repete on the Hammock"--it's so nice out back!

On Sunday, July 8th, we had Rich's family over for a family tradition--tortillas and cheese on Sunday night.

Silly James eating his tortilla & cheese.

We expanded the menu to full-on, make-it-yourself tostadas with beans, tomatoes, avaocados, lettuce, etc...

Uncle Jess with Lexi-Lou and an old-school tortilla with cheese.

Niles loves tomatoes & avocados

clockwise: Rosalie, TJay, Me, Summer, Addie, Lexi, James, Heidi, Angie & Danny
***

Last Wednesday ahuge grassfire started right off the highway about 3 miles south of the ranch. Rich went out with Mike and Dad to get the grass wet to protect the ranch and took these pictures with his phone...

Holy Smokes!

Fire across Hwy 89...too close for comfort!

The helicopters were flying over the ranch house and dipping into the river right in front of Rich.

Mike, Rich & Dad Melin worked hard to get the grass all wet in case the fire jumped the highway. We were protected and blessed, and so were a number of our insured houses, ward members' houses,  and our Bishop's house,  who lived up that hill in the fire--it burned right around them, and after much prayer, the wind blew the fire away from us and them. Phew!

This picture belongs back up with tortilla night...James had "DINOSAUR SCHOOL" with his younger cousins. It was really cute & hilarious.

Our garden starts did not survive the heat wave. Only the herbs, the sunflowers and the tomatoes are still growing (but the ranch garden seems good this year). Here, Addie is trying to transplant a sunflower that grew in the strawberry patch.



James got a little scruffy this summer--he didn't want to cut his hair. We finally broke out the clippers and trimmed up both boys last weekend, but here is James on Friday, drinking his favorite Apple Cascade Ice, showing off his last day of scruffiness.



On Monday night we went to Big Timber branch family night with Tom & Rosalie, They held a breakfast-for-dinner pancake supper for Pioneer Day. While we were getting ready to go, it rained really hard for a few minutes. Addie helped Niles run int he gutters--he loved it! (Heidi and James had just come home from day camp at the school down the street. They are really enjoying it--8am-5pm M-F July 22-August 3).

We came home fromBig Timber to a double rainbow!

James trying to catch the rainbow

James walking home after taking rainbow pictures Monday night...a good picture of our street in the evening.

Niles Monday night in the drive way, admiring the rainbow.

Well, Gram, life keeps rolling along. We miss having you with us, but we're glad you're home with your own space, with the Mayberrys nearby. Sounds like you're doing great--don't forget to drink your water. My nutritionist told me to drink a half ounce of water per pound of body weight, so do the math--for me, that's 3 litres-- and drink up! We love you so much!

Life According to my iPad

I finally found an app to transfer iPad photos to my home computer, so here are a few gems from the 'pad (minus the zillion photo booth self portraits the kids have taken ;))



Melin KIds at the rest stop in Sheridan, Wyoming on Spring Break 2012 trip to Rapid City/ Mt Rushmore



Addie & Niles in my bed on Mother's Day

Mother's Day morning in the family bed

Heidi self-portrait

Niles in his stroller outside the office on June 30th during our lemonade stand

Heidi selling lemonade on June 30th

James manning the lemonade stand on June 30th...the kids made $26 in 3 hours...not as great as our last sale where they made $40 in about 75 minutes, but good for spending/ pool snack money.

Addie's photobooth pic form December

James- photobooth-December

Aunt Abby & Heidi- photobooth-January

I think this is Heidi's eye- photobooth

Mommy & Niles, April

Nephew Jared Lehman- photobooth- January

Mommy & Niles, April