There is my crazy snow baby making an angel today after lunch.
Look! Fresh Tracks!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Family Lunch
We had lunch at The Wok today with Rich's mom's siblings; clockwise from left: Addie, Me, Heidi, Aunt Ellie, Uncle Dan, Uncle Dennis, Aunt Carol behind Cousin Cindy, Mom & Dad Melin (Rich took the picture).
Addie took this picture of Heidi with Grandma...
...and this one of me waving. Monday, November 07, 2005
Snowy Monday
I keep getting calls and e-mails wondering if I am really okay---I REALLY AM! I feel much better today than I did a week ago, even better than I have in a long time. I even taught a class at church yesterday, didn't take a nap because we had so much family in town.
Which brings me to : we are on on our way to a funeral for Rich's grandpa. His mom's dad died last week in California and he is being burried here today next to Grandma Adeline out in Paradise Valley. Yes, we have had quite the week! But all the mourning will be over soon and we will be glad...then it will be time for Thanksgiving and we really do have so much to be thankful for.
Anyway--I'll be back soon with the week in pictures and lots of other things. Thanks again SO MUCH for all the support and love. I have the best family and friends (and even acquaintances!).
Which brings me to : we are on on our way to a funeral for Rich's grandpa. His mom's dad died last week in California and he is being burried here today next to Grandma Adeline out in Paradise Valley. Yes, we have had quite the week! But all the mourning will be over soon and we will be glad...then it will be time for Thanksgiving and we really do have so much to be thankful for.
Anyway--I'll be back soon with the week in pictures and lots of other things. Thanks again SO MUCH for all the support and love. I have the best family and friends (and even acquaintances!).
Friday, November 04, 2005
Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End
Remember that song? I just had a little "ending" of my own; I am only writing this because I would like to have read something like it yesterday, to know what was coming, and if you don't want to hear the details, it's okay to stop reading now.
After we called the key family members (including Uncle Doctor to decode what-the-freak the nurse was telling me) and got the kids to bed, Richard and I went to bed and snuggled up. I still felt very much like it was the first day of a regular period--not much bleeding, a little lower back discomfort, the occasional quirky pelvic pain. I felt a little cold and shaky and my Sacrum was achy (the joints on both sides). I finally got comfortable and fell asleep, afraid of what kind of nightmares I might have (I didn't dream at all).
I got up to pee a few times, each time accompanied by a little more blood, but nothing too serious. The cramps/contractions picked up at 4am and I got a tall glass of water and 2 Tylenol and went back to bed. I tucked several pillows under my knees to tilt my pelvis back and relieve my lower back (that's where I always feel my contractions) and fell back to sleep (even with a squirmy, whiny visit from Heidi).
At 6:20AM, I was awakened by a warm woosh of fluid that swept up my lower back. I jumped out of bed as fast as I could and gathered my baggy pj bottoms around my waist. As I ran up the stairs, the warmth traveled down my legs and I reached the bathroom, narrowly averting disaster. What happened next was not unlike a trap door effect-- I sat down and painlessly "lost a load." I shouldn't say painlessly, because it was emotionally painful, but it didn't hurt my body. I was shocked at the quantity of fluid just flowing out, sort of like when you stop to pee on a roadtrip and you think to yourself, "Wow--I had no idea my bladder was that big!" When the torrent finally stopped I felt faint and just waited to gather my wits. I started running a hot bath and turned around to see what had just happened. The blood was so thick, the water did not dilute it--it looked pretty horrific. But I knew my body had done its job.
It took me a minute to flush because I knew that what I had considered "our baby brother" until a few days ago was in there. But I finally did it and climbed into the tub. By body began to relax and I felt better after only a few minutes. I looked at the 4 bruises on my arms from all the blood work and wondered if it had been worth it to worry all week. I concluded that it HAD-- even though I began spotting before the conclusive results came back, I had been able to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for this experience, whereas if I had just gone and had a totally normal doctor visit one Friday, and then had this horrible experience the next, I would have been pretty traumatized. I thought of all my friends & family who have gone through this several times in their struggles with infertility-- I felt waves of sisterly empathy and wanted to send out (belated) long distance hugs.
I feel okay now. It has been about 30 minutes. Everyone is silently sleeping and the sun is rising and that song I quoted is running through my head---every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
***
Update: Friday morning was very much like labor for me, with the cramping, etc. I only bled heavily and consistently on Friday, then spurts of heavy beeding on Saturday and Sunday, and occasional spotting and weak abdominal pain on Monday & Tuesday. By Wednesday I was merely exhausted, and Thursday found out I am anemic (surprise, surprise). The following Friday I felt good--with enough energy to take care of my home and family and with renewed spiritual and emotional strength, too. As I said to a friend--and it sounds kind of silly-- but if you have to have a miscarriage, this was a good one to have: early in the pregnancy, natural, and relatively short, with lots of family and friend support and a little bit of warning. I hope this never happens to anyone who reads this, but if it does (or has), I hope these details helped. It's something no one talks about because it is so emotional and private, but I wanted to know about other people's experiences to give me a "heads up"--that's why I have shared mine.
After we called the key family members (including Uncle Doctor to decode what-the-freak the nurse was telling me) and got the kids to bed, Richard and I went to bed and snuggled up. I still felt very much like it was the first day of a regular period--not much bleeding, a little lower back discomfort, the occasional quirky pelvic pain. I felt a little cold and shaky and my Sacrum was achy (the joints on both sides). I finally got comfortable and fell asleep, afraid of what kind of nightmares I might have (I didn't dream at all).
I got up to pee a few times, each time accompanied by a little more blood, but nothing too serious. The cramps/contractions picked up at 4am and I got a tall glass of water and 2 Tylenol and went back to bed. I tucked several pillows under my knees to tilt my pelvis back and relieve my lower back (that's where I always feel my contractions) and fell back to sleep (even with a squirmy, whiny visit from Heidi).
At 6:20AM, I was awakened by a warm woosh of fluid that swept up my lower back. I jumped out of bed as fast as I could and gathered my baggy pj bottoms around my waist. As I ran up the stairs, the warmth traveled down my legs and I reached the bathroom, narrowly averting disaster. What happened next was not unlike a trap door effect-- I sat down and painlessly "lost a load." I shouldn't say painlessly, because it was emotionally painful, but it didn't hurt my body. I was shocked at the quantity of fluid just flowing out, sort of like when you stop to pee on a roadtrip and you think to yourself, "Wow--I had no idea my bladder was that big!" When the torrent finally stopped I felt faint and just waited to gather my wits. I started running a hot bath and turned around to see what had just happened. The blood was so thick, the water did not dilute it--it looked pretty horrific. But I knew my body had done its job.
It took me a minute to flush because I knew that what I had considered "our baby brother" until a few days ago was in there. But I finally did it and climbed into the tub. By body began to relax and I felt better after only a few minutes. I looked at the 4 bruises on my arms from all the blood work and wondered if it had been worth it to worry all week. I concluded that it HAD-- even though I began spotting before the conclusive results came back, I had been able to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for this experience, whereas if I had just gone and had a totally normal doctor visit one Friday, and then had this horrible experience the next, I would have been pretty traumatized. I thought of all my friends & family who have gone through this several times in their struggles with infertility-- I felt waves of sisterly empathy and wanted to send out (belated) long distance hugs.
I feel okay now. It has been about 30 minutes. Everyone is silently sleeping and the sun is rising and that song I quoted is running through my head---every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
***
Update: Friday morning was very much like labor for me, with the cramping, etc. I only bled heavily and consistently on Friday, then spurts of heavy beeding on Saturday and Sunday, and occasional spotting and weak abdominal pain on Monday & Tuesday. By Wednesday I was merely exhausted, and Thursday found out I am anemic (surprise, surprise). The following Friday I felt good--with enough energy to take care of my home and family and with renewed spiritual and emotional strength, too. As I said to a friend--and it sounds kind of silly-- but if you have to have a miscarriage, this was a good one to have: early in the pregnancy, natural, and relatively short, with lots of family and friend support and a little bit of warning. I hope this never happens to anyone who reads this, but if it does (or has), I hope these details helped. It's something no one talks about because it is so emotional and private, but I wanted to know about other people's experiences to give me a "heads up"--that's why I have shared mine.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Laughter Through Tears is My Favorite Emotion
...The title of this post comes from "Steel Magnolias," in case you forgot. It's a quote I agree with, so I am going to give you something to laugh and cry about.
At 6:37pm we got a call from the lab confirming that our fetus is not viable and I am indeed miscarrying--I kinda knew when "the process" (spotting) began around 3pm and my heart broke. We've had lots of prayers and blessings and time to mentally prepare, so I am actually better now than I was a few days ago--I hate being in limbo. I am all right now. Thank you for your prayers and hugs and phone calls and support.
On a lighter note, we were just trying to get the girls dressed after baths. Addie brought her jammies up and Rich said, "Addie, you forgot your panties." Addie said, "No...panties aren't for me." Yep, Addie has made a lifestyle decision, at least for today--she's goin' commando. The girls really are a hoot, and if I can't ever have another baby, I am blessed beyond measure with these two kooky angels.
At 6:37pm we got a call from the lab confirming that our fetus is not viable and I am indeed miscarrying--I kinda knew when "the process" (spotting) began around 3pm and my heart broke. We've had lots of prayers and blessings and time to mentally prepare, so I am actually better now than I was a few days ago--I hate being in limbo. I am all right now. Thank you for your prayers and hugs and phone calls and support.
On a lighter note, we were just trying to get the girls dressed after baths. Addie brought her jammies up and Rich said, "Addie, you forgot your panties." Addie said, "No...panties aren't for me." Yep, Addie has made a lifestyle decision, at least for today--she's goin' commando. The girls really are a hoot, and if I can't ever have another baby, I am blessed beyond measure with these two kooky angels.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Rainy Days and Wednesdays
I feel pretty yucky today, although I have done my best to feel good and be normal. It's high time for a nap!
No news on the baby front; I had blood drawn yesterday to do the quantitative thing--I'll have more drawn tomorrow and they will see if hormones have increased--if so, there is a baby growing. Waiting and dreading--UGH! Anyway, life is good and we are enjoying the rain and cold today--there was snow on Bozeman Pass when we went to get the ward newsletter printed. We are just thankful that the 60-mph wind that pounded our little house for 3 days is gone, at least for a while! Updates soon...
Monday, October 31, 2005
Up In The Air
Yet another disappointing day at Livingston Memorial Hospital's Ultrasound room... I have no news, but in this case no news doesn't mean good news. The ultrasound guy did both the regular wand and the probe to get measurments today and he found out that I am most certainly not 10 weeks, more like 7, and since I am only 7 weeks he couldn't quite pick up the heart tones from the embryo, although he says it looks like only one sac, but couldn't be sure for another 2 weeks.
Um, okay...that doesn't sound ANYTHING like what I was expecting to hear today, but...okay. Of course, the first thing that pops into my head is my friend who had an ultrasound at 10wks and measured 7 weeks because she was miscarrying. I kept just asking the guy, "So what does that mean?" when I really should have been asking, "So is my baby alive or dead?" but I just couldn't say it. Besides, the answer would have been, "We just can't tell" (which--okay--PLEASE, in this day and age SOMEONE should be able to tell me if my embryo is alive, doncha think!?!). He just said to come back in two weeks to get measurements. "Dont worry--in two weeks we'll know exactly where you stand."
DON'T WORRY??
TWO WEEKS??
Have you never dealt with a pregnant woman before? IT'S ALL WORRY, Buddy, 24/7!!! And I have to wonder for TWO WEEKS?! I held it together and got dressed as fast as humanly possible so I could run out of the hospital and cry like a baby in the car (but not too much because I didn't want to freak out Rich & Heidi who were with me). I calmed myself down and reminded myself that I haven't had any bleeding at all since August 26th, that I have felt pretty pregnant, that the uterus and sac looked healthy and pregnant...I tried to figure out if it's even mathematically possible for me to be only 7 weeks (meaning 5 weeks gestation)--it's not, because I took my pregnancy test 5 weeks and three days ago, which means I am 9 weeks at the least. So I am just hoping it's just a mix up and I am right on in the next ultrasound.
I was getting a little suspicious about not being sick--but I can handle 12 weeks of throwing up WAY better than I can handle a miscarriage and starting the first trimester all over again. We'll just have to wait and see.
Um, okay...that doesn't sound ANYTHING like what I was expecting to hear today, but...okay. Of course, the first thing that pops into my head is my friend who had an ultrasound at 10wks and measured 7 weeks because she was miscarrying. I kept just asking the guy, "So what does that mean?" when I really should have been asking, "So is my baby alive or dead?" but I just couldn't say it. Besides, the answer would have been, "We just can't tell" (which--okay--PLEASE, in this day and age SOMEONE should be able to tell me if my embryo is alive, doncha think!?!). He just said to come back in two weeks to get measurements. "Dont worry--in two weeks we'll know exactly where you stand."
DON'T WORRY??
TWO WEEKS??
Have you never dealt with a pregnant woman before? IT'S ALL WORRY, Buddy, 24/7!!! And I have to wonder for TWO WEEKS?! I held it together and got dressed as fast as humanly possible so I could run out of the hospital and cry like a baby in the car (but not too much because I didn't want to freak out Rich & Heidi who were with me). I calmed myself down and reminded myself that I haven't had any bleeding at all since August 26th, that I have felt pretty pregnant, that the uterus and sac looked healthy and pregnant...I tried to figure out if it's even mathematically possible for me to be only 7 weeks (meaning 5 weeks gestation)--it's not, because I took my pregnancy test 5 weeks and three days ago, which means I am 9 weeks at the least. So I am just hoping it's just a mix up and I am right on in the next ultrasound.
I was getting a little suspicious about not being sick--but I can handle 12 weeks of throwing up WAY better than I can handle a miscarriage and starting the first trimester all over again. We'll just have to wait and see.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
What Matters
We had the best church meeting today. Time does not permit me to expound on the details, but it was really wonderful and every talk touched upon something I have been thinking about a lot lately.
I realize that I am a little bit too introspective and analytical and critical with myself as I live my life--I know this, but I haven't been able to improve much (there have been improvements, though--I am slowly letting go of my death-grip on the clean house and perfectly groomed children, mostly out of necessity, though). The ghost of my great grandma (and lots of my own psycho demons) is always whispering over my shoulder to do things "right"or "better" or "perfect."
Although I am learning to tune it out when I need to, the thoughts are still there and lots of times they distract me from what matters most. I focus on the objects and the controllable things in my world, not because I am materialistic or because they mean so much to me (because they don't), but because in the chaos and emotional challenge of raising a family, contollable things give structure, predictability, stability. Putting chores and duties above my true responsibilities makes me look like I have a handle on things, puts me in control of something, when in truth it is perhaps a way of (unwittingly) avoiding the hard things--what matters most: relationships, communicating things like feelings, needs, and spiritual experiences with my family, finding the right ways to discipline and teach my daughters and they grow into different stages and have different needs. It's hard work--lots harder that doing dishes and scrubbing toilets.
This post by a dear friend of mine hit the nail on the head, just when it had become obvious to me as the next big thing I need to work on in my life. I let the low things press out the high things so often. Then I found an old songbook and started playing piano and singing songs to myself one afternoon while the girls were asleep. When I turned to this song, I couldn't even choke out the words:
"Are you giving the least to those who matter most
Or are you sharing your best with those who really aren't that close?
Well, it's time to look around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Do you listen with love when someone's soul is aching
Or do you simply choose which judgment you'll be making?
Well, it's time to turn around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Are you running the race by rushing to conclusions?
Are you part of what's wrong or part of the solution?
If you don't know where to turn
Just listen to your heart and you will learn."
And if that's not heart -crushing enough, Addie has started to crumble to pieces and cry when I yell at her instead of obstinately yelling back (don't even ask me why we are yelling in the first place--things are THAT out of hand). And now at least once a week I cry myself to sleep at night after I review my day in prayers and realize what has come out of my mouth and all the chances to show love that I gave up. Today's church meetings cemented my resolve to make it stop. Today is the day. The following poem is the last word...I am going to be a better mother and wife and that's it. Everything else can wait.
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs; Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
I realize that I am a little bit too introspective and analytical and critical with myself as I live my life--I know this, but I haven't been able to improve much (there have been improvements, though--I am slowly letting go of my death-grip on the clean house and perfectly groomed children, mostly out of necessity, though). The ghost of my great grandma (and lots of my own psycho demons) is always whispering over my shoulder to do things "right"or "better" or "perfect."
Although I am learning to tune it out when I need to, the thoughts are still there and lots of times they distract me from what matters most. I focus on the objects and the controllable things in my world, not because I am materialistic or because they mean so much to me (because they don't), but because in the chaos and emotional challenge of raising a family, contollable things give structure, predictability, stability. Putting chores and duties above my true responsibilities makes me look like I have a handle on things, puts me in control of something, when in truth it is perhaps a way of (unwittingly) avoiding the hard things--what matters most: relationships, communicating things like feelings, needs, and spiritual experiences with my family, finding the right ways to discipline and teach my daughters and they grow into different stages and have different needs. It's hard work--lots harder that doing dishes and scrubbing toilets.
This post by a dear friend of mine hit the nail on the head, just when it had become obvious to me as the next big thing I need to work on in my life. I let the low things press out the high things so often. Then I found an old songbook and started playing piano and singing songs to myself one afternoon while the girls were asleep. When I turned to this song, I couldn't even choke out the words:
"Are you giving the least to those who matter most
Or are you sharing your best with those who really aren't that close?
Well, it's time to look around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Do you listen with love when someone's soul is aching
Or do you simply choose which judgment you'll be making?
Well, it's time to turn around
And find out where your greatest joys are found.
Are you running the race by rushing to conclusions?
Are you part of what's wrong or part of the solution?
If you don't know where to turn
Just listen to your heart and you will learn."
And if that's not heart -crushing enough, Addie has started to crumble to pieces and cry when I yell at her instead of obstinately yelling back (don't even ask me why we are yelling in the first place--things are THAT out of hand). And now at least once a week I cry myself to sleep at night after I review my day in prayers and realize what has come out of my mouth and all the chances to show love that I gave up. Today's church meetings cemented my resolve to make it stop. Today is the day. The following poem is the last word...I am going to be a better mother and wife and that's it. Everything else can wait.
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs; Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Trunk or Treat
Last night was our annual Halloween Carnival and "Trunk or Treat" at church. We had a busy day and had to rush to get ready, but it was worth it. We had a really good time--Rich and I even dressed up ourselves as an afterthought (thanks to the 75% off stuff I bought last year). Here's Blonde Witch, Strawberry Shortcake, Scarecrow, and Apple Dumpling.
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