Unposted

I have this folder from July of photos I wanted to post but never did, so I am going to post them today since I forgot to take pictures of camping this weekend. Here's Isabelle Petersen (my niece, Belle) playing dolls wiht Addie.
Here's the whole parade gang on July 2nd.

SMOKEY!

Addie at the parade

Addie & Belle (LOVE this)

Ally with her awesome parade hat

The kids getting candy from the Shriner Clown

More parade gang

Heidi at the parade

James

James & Belle

Daddy & James

More cute parade pix...

Marshall watching the parade

Mules!

Pipers!

My Cutie Hubs arriving at our parade spot from his office.

[notice Heidi shouting "Daddy!" and running from across the street]

WOODSY!

Sweetie Cousins: Belle and Addie at the Parade.

Wrestling

I'm going camping in the rain tonight. I hate camping but I also hate my house today, so it'll be good to be out with my kids. Addie and I are going to embroider til our fingers bleed! I know, sounds heavenly! I broke down today, hardcore. Something inside my head physically snapped, I felt it. I woke up with a back- and head- ache so severe my chiro couldn't adjust me at my 11:00am appointment. Taking a morning jetted-tub-soak didn't help, and neither did two Excedrin migraine. The left side of my face was tingling, and pain was shooting down from my left hip through my knee to my ankle and arch. I threw up twice from the nausea. After recovering from the second time (2:30-ish?), I emerged from the bathroom to find that (a) Heidi and James had just trashed the family room with their coloring supplies, (b) James had wet his pants for the 3rd time today, and (c) proceeded to color himself all over with a sharpie [sound familiar, Jenn???]. That's when I snapped.

I was so angry, I couldn't even discipline them. I couldn't even talk. James gets hosed off with a cold hand shower when he has accidents and I had to try so hard not to throw him in the tub. I hosed him off, then made him soak for a bit to get the marker off his skin. Heidi figured out she'd better move it, so she cleaned up their mess and went and laid on my bed. By then I was crying and I couldn't stop. It totally freaked me out. I was just sobbing and I couldn't put a lid on it. I called Rich but I couldn't talk, so that freaked HIM out and he came home. It took me a good half hour to stop sobbing and shaking-- seriously freaking out. Every possible negative thought was just flooding my brain, and when I consciously tried to bring something positive to my mind, it just blew by or turned into a guilty feeling. It was like a dementor attack. I finally got a grip , but then Rich tried to take the kids "so I could rest," but that made me upset again because there was nowhere for him to take them and I knew they should be with me. I finally talked him into letting them come down and lay by me. We had a calmer afternoon--watched a kid show then got ready for the camp out--but I literally had to white-knuckle my way through it, breathing deeply, praying in my head, blinking back tears. I am losing my mind. I so tired of not feeling good. But I am also tired of wrestling with darkness. Today was an example of the chinks beginning to appear in my armor. I am going up the mountain to repair some cracks, find some peace, begin again. Again.

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world..." Ephesians 6:12

***

PS: THIS did cheer me a little. Maybe we'll watch Ferris in the tent tonight.

UPDATED: Awesome Hughes Tribute from 1991

Metformin is tap dancin' in my belly! I can't sleep! But the thunder storm is AMAZING!
Sleep
Sleep tonight
and may your dream
be realized
If the thunder cloud
passes rain
let it rain
rain down on me

BRING IT, Mother Nature....

***

WHAT?!

Seriously, THIS makes me so sad.


Thanks for the memories, John.

Help From Both Sides

My alarm clock this morning was James barfing on me, so I am ready to snuggle a sicky and wash what ever he barfs on all day. Whiel I am doing that, I will read THIS TALK--I found the devotional from which Sunday's quote was taken. You can read along!

Have a great day.

***

Okay, now it's 3:30. James is napping, Heidi has just come home from a date with Aunt Debbie, and I just finished reading Jeffrey R. Holland's talk (link above). Are you done yet? K, let's discuss. I'll post my faovrite parts and you post yours!

First let me tell you that I printed it out, then went and read it on the porch between 2:30-3pm, just as a CRAZY-WILD thunderstorm blew in and it was soul-stirringly awesome...wish U were here!

So...I loved his introduction of the topic: "I wish to speak today of a problem that is universal...I believe it is a form of evil...I speak of doubt--especially self-doubt--and discouragement and despair...This morning I want to attack double-digit depression." It totally IS a form of evil! It's so important to remember that! (more from President Benson on the subject HERE).

Holland quotes Thoreau, which I love: "Love your life, poor as it is...The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man's abode."

I love the whole section where he gives us scriptural examples of others' troublesome times. It begins with, "If you are trying hard and living right and things still seem burdensome and difficult, take heart. Others have walked that way before you..." and ends with how Enoch went from "slow of speech" to roaring like a lion.

The following section contains some really beautiful ideas about repentance:
"...there can be a different you."
"Repentance is not a foreboding word. It is, following faith, the most encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. Repentance is simplt the scriptural invitation for growth and improvemetn and progress and renewal. You can change! You can be anything you want to be in righteousness."
And here's the most clever point about repentance:
"Do not misunderstand. Repentance isnot easy or painless or convenient. It is a bitter cup from Hell. But only Satan, who dwells there, would have you think that a necessary acknowledgement is more distateful than permanent residence...don't fall for it." AWESOME!

There are two great stories that folow the repentance part--one of Eli Pierce, who had the faith to accept a mission call he was totally unprepared for (which makes me think hard about who we call to positions as leaders in the ward), and another about the little hayseed lost in Chicago.

Then my favorite part where he recounts the story of Elisha and the dang Syrian army. More than anything I learned in 4 years of seminary, this story has stuck with me for 25 years. This phrase, "They that be with us are more than they that be with them" means the world to me! And Elder Holland does a great job retelling the story and how it applies to us. One more time, just to hit it home, here is the quote that led me to the talk. (I am going to tattoo it to my eyelids):
"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham’s seed."

And that concludes today's personal study. Thanks for joining me!

post script:

Here is another great article about forgiving oneself.

In Other News...

In all the hullabaloo, I forgot to write about some things going on at my house last week. The best news is that James is 90% potty trained (I still put on pullups at night, but he was dry this morning)--hooray! I bought him a new Mack (the truck that pulls Lightning McQueen from Cars) to celebrate, and if he has an accident I just have to remind him that if we don't make it to the potty, Mack has to get put away and that serves as a fine reminder.

Also, Rich and I had a date at the Rod & Gun Club on Wednesday night. I shot a 38 special and a little 22 rifle with decent accuracy (I was within the bullseye most of the time, but obviously pulling right). I was too scared to shoot the BIG rifle (it's a 5__sumthin-sumthin, semi-automatic with ginormous ammo), but Rich shot it pretty well, hitting the target once at 500 yards! It was kind of cold outside so I watched from the car for a while and I must say it was really fun to watch hubs shoot as the sun set, listening to City Arts & Lectures on NPR. I definitely have the best of all possible worlds.

That's all for now...Heidi & James are restless! Addie is at summer day camp for 2 weeks, so H&J are really at each other's throats. Later...

I Draw Myself Apart

I have been thinking a lot about THIS POST I wrote two years ago, so I went back and re-read it. Sometimes I wish so much that Heavenly Father could show me the "unmet needs", automatically, and also how to fill them. Sometimes I wish he'd jump in and fill the void, saying, "Awww, just this once! To heck with the plan and figuring it out! Let me just patch that hole...." and make us all-better. And I am sure he wishes that sometimes, too. But we have to do the work and the work is hard. I'm tired. I'm tired, and it's really not even me who has the long row to hoe. So, so world-weary....

Which is why I am glad I got to escape to the little fluffy cloud of peace that is Relief Society today, even if it's just for this week, and even though it was just for 20 minutes. We sang the following song, and I though of how important it is to seek healing and comfort from the right sources; to invite our Maker to fill those "deep, unmet needs" rather than filling the void with junk:

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole
when with a wounded heart
anger or malice
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows
Where, when I languish
Where, in my need to know,
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He--only One.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching
in my Gethsemane, my Savior and friend.
Gentle the peace He finds for my beseeching
Constant He is, and kind...
Love without end.
***

I'm so glad today was fast Sunday.

PS: Here's another applicable link.

PPS: And I just found THIS: “In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike–and they will–you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. (See 2 Kings 6:16-17)They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham’s seed.”
Jeffrey R. Holland:

I'm on the other side...

...according to this song by K's Choice. Remember this song from 1995?




I have spent the past two days on the phone with loved ones trying to pull one of my most-loved ones out of this stupid, ugly world. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Satan hates happy families. And he'll use insidious means and go to the most ridiculous lengths to ruin them. But, like Crowded House sang: "Hey, now, hey now/ don't dream, it's over/ Hey now, hey now/ when the world comes in/ they come, they come to build a wall between us/ we know that they won't win--don't let them win."

But WAIT, There's MORE...

I had a bunch of blood work done last weekend and Dr. Reid called me with a diagnosis and prescription today, as she is leaving for Pakistan this week and won't be back until Labor Day. She said even though I don't have many of the symptoms, my blood work shows that I have PCOS . If you check that link, you will see that I only have 4 or 5 of the symptoms (weight gain, insulin resistance, male-pattern baldness, skin tags--my girl parts are still running just fine), but she says my pituitary gland has pretty much gone crazy the past few years and the hormone panel shows PCOS. She sounds excited about prescribing me Metformin because it's really going to help, especially with the weight loss I have been working on for 3 months and GAINING (I haven't whined about it here, but my average caloric intake is around 1800-2000 calories, I walk about 12 miles a week at a brisk pace, in addition to my regular demanding schedule, and I have gained 27 pounds since my surgery...it does NOT add up!).

So I am off to pick up some meds and see how it all goes down. There are still some test results we are awaiting to be sure I haven't developed other auto immune problems, too, so, ya know, whatever.

My sis Laura just brought my nephews Cody & Tyler to my house and I really missed them! I think we are going to have a fun few days before I have to send them back to Phoenix.

Feeding the missionaries homemade pizza tonight, then going to a baptism at the church. We just had a fun afternoon of jewelry-and-barrette-making for Crafters Club...love my girlz! More soon...

Bye, Kids...

Yesterday our new Bishop released the whole Young Women's and Primary Presidencies, so I am no longer the Primary President. The upside is--well, don't get me started--but the new President is super-awesome! We spent the evening together last night passing the torch, so to speak, and I am so excited about her and her presidency. And I am so thankful for the flash of insight/revelation that came last Tuesday & allowed me to write the Primary Program in pretty much one sitting. At first I thought, "Well, shoot, that was a waste," but when I showed the new Prez what I'd done, she was overjoyed. So, YAY that.

The downside is that I am sad to leave the kids, of course, and I hate to leave before I feel like I ever got a handle on things. But I do come away no longer saying "I am not a kid person" because I am, and I now know that the most complex, difficult calling a woman can hold in a ward (and maybe in the universe) is Primary President. I only did about 2/3 of my calling, and most of that was done at less-than-stellar levels, so I really do stand is awe of those Presidents who are able to put the whole program into action and inspire not just their teachers, but the scouts and the Faith in God programs, and the families of the children, too.

Here's the song we learned to sing and sign this month with the kids:

"I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me

His Spirit warms my soul through everything I see

He knows I will follow Him, Give all my life to Him

I feel my Savior's love, the love he freely gives me.

I'll share my Savior's love by serving others freely

In serving I am blessed; In giving I receive.

He knows I will follow Him, Give all my life to Him
I feel my Savior's love, the love he freely gives me."

Swim Lessons

The kids just started their second week of swim lessons at our ancient city pool. We are so lucky that cutie Jessica Holm is teaching lessons while she is home from BYU-I (James is in her class).James, Jessi, Addie and Heidi
Jessi said the hard thing about teaching James to swim is that he thinks he already can. I said his sisters were the same way--no fear! (which is scary for mom)

Addie helping Heidi back float

Jessi teaching James to kick

Heidi kicking with her class

Heidi

Addie (far right) fixin' to dive, with her class in the deep end

James jumping with Jess

After lessons (this is what's in front of the pool house, but we wouldn't want to swim in all the goose poo!)

Addie & James takin' in the Lagoon Rich took this photo on Friday night in Bozeman (at a wedding)...just a little more Montana beauty for ya! ;)